Author Archives: Jerrie Cate

Babysitting & Other Stuff

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Since I last wrote, Diane attained the age where her Medicare card is legal and we went to a memorial service. To offset those events, we hired out to babysit the kids. Today is the second time this week that we’ve had six of them at one time.

Pictured, left to right, back to front, are Lydia, Cedric, Jeran, Gilligan, Jerrie Anne, and Baylee. What you see is the extent of Diane’s and my involvement with the babysitting effort. The three big kids took over the chore making it a pretty easy event for us. They especially had fun playing catch with Jerrie Anne. Baylee spent a great deal of time dancing to an annoying saxophone playing Santa. There were also many sessions of hide-n-seek. I’m not very good at that any more because I can’t hide in very small places. I can’t hide in very big places, either.

The memorial service was for Jeff Kuiper. Jack was the main speaker and it wasn’t easy. The church was packed. Jeff will be missed by a lot of people.

We put the Winnebago away today, too. It’s in a rented garage that’s just big enough to get it in, but not quite big enough to open the door to get out of it very easy. I had to go on a very quick starvation diet in order to extricate myself from the garage. Once I got out Diane, thought it would be a good idea to put some chemical water absorbent stuff inside, so I had to go back in. Thankfully, I wasn’t too thick to get back into the unit, and barely thin enough to get in the RV door. I only spilled a little absorbent on the counter and floor, and it took longer than I had anticipated, so I almost puffed up too much to get out again. I was almost to the point of kicking out the back window when I decided to ingest some of the absorbent material. Don’t ask what turned me that direction because I just don’t know. Turns out that works pretty well to slim you down because it makes you puke a great deal. Not good for you, normally, but it’s great for getting you out of tight places. I’m surprised there isn’t something written on the package about this benefit. Instead, it mentions various reasons why it’s not a good thing to eat it.

Our driveway looks naked without the RV out there. So … empty … and bare. Tomorrow I’ll resurrect the pickup and move it up from the lower 40. It really should be closer to the house. Even though the battery is usually dead.

Baylee discovered the joy of spinning in a chair until you almost barf. She got really mad when I quit spinning her before that happened. I knew it would make Diane mad. She’s out getting pizza and I figured it would upset her in a major way to come home and have to clean up the mess. That’s what would have happened because I don’t do messes very well. When I try to clean them up I just wind up moving stuff all around and really don’t make any progress. At least that’s the way it is with my work bench.

Today was absolutely beautiful. It was sunny all day. I laid out on the deck for a few hours and caught some rays. I probably should have left my shirt and pants on because I nearly froze my buns off. It was only 12 degrees, or so. It’s warmed up to 42, now, but it’s dark.

“What”, you may ask, “did Jerrie learn today?”

I learned that MOM upside down is WOW. How appropriate it that?

It’s a TVCC Christmas @ Finley’s

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For those who don’t recognize this, it’s the copyrighted logo for the Tualatin Valley Cruiser Club of which Diane and I are charter members. We had a lapse in club meeting attendance for a few years, but have recently gotten back into participating in scheduled events. Rick Rainwater (he denies being an American Indian), and his bride, Jody, have been running the club for the past eleventy years. Since 2000. As a group, they have travelled all over the NW, California, and parts of Canada. Some members plan their vacations so they can attend the yearly week long trips. Rick & Jody have led TVCC members so many places over the years that they are having a hard time coming up with something new, different, and exciting. I decided to give that some thought so I could, perhaps, make some recommendations.

First, however, I must report on this evening’s Christmas party at Finley’s.

There’s just nothing in this entire world that says Christmas like a party at Finley’s Sunset Hills Mortuary on Highway 26, just above the Oregon Zoo. Meetings are held in the lower chapel. We used to have meetings in the upper chapel, where the funerals are conducted, but I think someone may have decided that TVCC member conduct was unbecoming for our dearly departed brethren, and sitereths. That’s quite possible. The lower chapel, however, is just great. Much cozier, with a lower ceiling, and the TVs installed on the walls. It’s closer to the kitchen, too. That’s important because meetings center around food – normally dessert.

This party, like those in the past, consisted of a white elephant gift exchange, and ornament swap. The ornament swap goes like this – everyone who attends brings a wrapped ornament. When it’s time to swap them, everyone gets in a circle, holding their ornaments. Then Rick starts reading a Christmas story about Mr. & Mrs. Right. As the story progresses, everyone in the circle passes their ornament Right or Left whenever those words are mentioned in the story. Sounds simple, right? It really is, but there is always someone, when Rick pauses, that has no ornament in his hands while across the room is someone with two of them. It’s quite amazing. I never make a mistake while doing this. Never have, never will. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Oddly, when this evening’s story ended almost everyone wound up with their original ornaments which defeats the whole concept of the ornament swap. That’s never happened before, but the distance an ornament travels is directly related to the number of people involved. I didn’t count them, but think there was probably about 218 people there this evening. Just a guess. Maybe only 40-50. Who knows?

The white elephant gift exchange is an event where you can steal gifts from each other. Everyone who attends brings a gift and is issued a number when they enter. Rick draws numbers at random and that person can either open a new gift, or steal one from someone who has a really good one, like a jelly-belly pooping polar bear. Or a gigantic fly swatter. People who have gifts stolen can steal someone else’s or open a new gift. This goes on until all the gifts are opened. Diane was #11 and her number wasn’t drawn until 3rd from last, so she had the choice of stealing anything from anyone, except for anything that has already been stolen three times. That’s a rule. A gift can only be stolen three times. It used to be two times, but it was changed this year to promote stealing by those in attendance. The police were OK with that rule change as it’s all done in doors and everyone is wearing clothes.

That’s about it for the party. Diane and I had a great time. We sat with Tom & Linda and talked about Coleen because she wasn’t there. They’re fun folks. Tom works in a psych ward somewhere in the NW.

Now, about proposed TVCC event trips. Anyone have ideas? If so, add a comment and let us know where you’d like to see the club go. Suggesting they “Go to Hell” isn’t an option because that’s been suggested a number of times already. We look forward to your inputs which will be passed along to Rick.

My suggestion is that we arrange a tour of the Royal Vacuum cleaner factory and learn why their vacuums suck the most. If that doesn’t work out we can visit the Peerless Blower factory, in North Carolina, to see why their products blow. If that doesn’t work out, perhaps we can visit one of the factories where they make blowers that also suck. I think those are made somewhere in Arkansas. Personally, I’d rather visit the last one.

On that, I bid you adieu, so long, farewell. Sleep in peace and stay safe.

Us & Public Health

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Today Diane and I were asked to participate in a Public Health event, possibly related to a new breed of lettuce called “crappingzola”. It’s being touted, locally, as a new weight loss product that appears to work well. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last week alone. Diane apparently got the placebo because she didn’t acquire any urgent needs to get intimate with a toilet, as did I. I was selective, however, and hugged only my own porcelain throne.

Things are getting better because I ran out of bile Wednesday last week. I think Diane still has all of hers. Consequently, we learned how to keep time by how long it takes a banana to transit my large intestine. Not just a banana … pretty much anything edible.

Just to top things off, today I made fudge.

Lunar Eclipse Hits US

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This morning, around 6:30am (0630 for you military types), the moon was partially shut off for about 1.5 hours to save power. The government decided 8 months ago that they were going to do this if certain measures weren’t taken by USA inhabitants to curtail their unending overuse of power production facilities.

“Why,” said one prominent senator, “the average citizen has no idea how much power is consumed to illuminate the moon on clear nights. No, they just fire up all their danged electronical gadgets without a care, not knowing that they are helping deprive some poor, starved South African citizen of just a little bit of the moon’s glow. Now it’s come to this!”

The senator refused to be named and was wearing a moon globe over his head to hide his identity. He got into a vehicle with Kansas license plates. I, personally, find that last bit unremarkable because the news report was from Wichita.

Since the dimming moon was, essentially, a power outage no one was surprised that 850,000 women were immediately inseminated as they are with any kind of power outage. Some of the inseminees reported that it happened so quickly they were unaware that an inseminer was involved. “I was just sitting in my rocking chair, playing sudoku, John was  on his way to the bathroom, the moon went out and, BAM!, I was inseminated! John didn’t know what happened, either, as he was flung to the floor with great force,” reported one newly inseminated mother of 12.

I always thought insemination was a physical act but, apparently, it’s really associated with electricity in some manner, and how bright the moon is at any given moment. I’ve since learned that locations where the sun & moon rarely shine have a much higher insemination rate than do places when the sun & moon are readily available for viewing, many times both at the same time.

Because of all these new revelations whirling around in my head, I’ve decided to make it my life’s goal to find out who that moon-headed senator from Kansas is and petition him to work on legislation that requires all weathermen, in the world, report nothing but good news regarding the weather. If they tell everyone it’s going to be nice and cozy everywhere, we all know that will happen because the weather does just exactly what they report it will. If they say it’s going to be cold, it’s cold. So, all they have to do is say it’s going to be warm and that everyone needs to plant their palm trees. Not only will this enhance global warming, it will reduce the expanding population because the sun & moon will always be visible. Certain locations would have to remain in the dark, however, to ensure potential inseminees have a place to go should inseminational urges overtake rational behavior. But they would need a visa. The only inseminators in these locations are those who took too many viagaras and find themselves in a permanently turgid state. Therefore, insemination will take as much, or little, time as the inseminee wishes to expend  on the effort. In a clinical trial using this method, it was reported that some inseminees remained in the controlled territory for an average of 6 hours, and 3% never return.

I read that report 4 times and still don’t understand what its supposed to mean.

Back to the eclipse … Diane set her alarm for 0600 so we could get up and watch it. She also set it to 0430, but I was the only one to hear it. I didn’t get up then. I waited. We got up and bundled up in warm clothes as it was only about eleventy degrees outside, then went in the yard to watch. Complicating this was all the motion floodlights that come on when something walks though our yard. We had to shade our eyes to see the moon clearly. And we stood there, watching. It’s a real slow process. We watched some more, then the dogs finally decided it was OK to go back in the house. That made us happy so we fed them. Watching an eclipse isn’t high on my list of exciting things to do. Looking once is good. Watching isn’t recommended.

Now the sun is up, we think, but it’s hiding behind an overcast. The weather people say it’s going to rain tomorrow so we need to start waterproofing everything.

It Is Done

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The vigil for Jeff Kuiper has ended. He entered a comatose state approximately 6 weeks ago, due to complications from an infection and diabetes, and never recovered.

Jeff was 49.

I can’t say that I really “knew” Jeff because I saw him infrequently. He was, however, essentially a member of brother Jack & Wynette’s family so, by association, we are related. It’s odd, I suppose, but I’ve always felt that way. He was a friendly guy and I am proud to have known him. I regret his passing and pray that his family finds peace.

Random Thoughts

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Yesterday I got all maudlin and started writing what it was like being the skinniest kid in the world. Thankfully, I didn’t press “Publish” on that one and saved all 4 of you a truly boring read. Instead of “truly” boring, this one will be just “kinda” boring.

I really don’t know why I said that because I really don’t know if it’s going to be boring or not. I have no control over what comes out of my fingers so don’t know where this is going. Sometimes I think my fiddly fingers have a mind all their own. So, where do we go from here?

How about weather?

It was really cold here in NW Oregon today. It’s been cold for the last week, actually. But, no precipitation, except a wee bit of rain. Since this is Oregon, rain doesn’t count. We’re used to being wet.

Today looked like snow weather and it was 33 most of the day. Fortunately, the weathermen all agreed that it wasn’t going to snow, so it didn’t. There’s no guarantee on how long they will all think the same way, however. Once one or two of them shift their thinking, any kind of weather is possible. In 1995 none of them could agree and we had a terrible ice storm that caused major power outages. I was working for Portland General Electric at the time, and have the shirt to prove it.

After that storm, all the weathermen formed a union, of sorts, and agreed to promote the same weather, ensuring that nothing bad ever happened again. What skews that process is when one of the old guys moves on, or retires, and a new weatherman, or woman, enters the scene. Women give weather an entirely different spin.

Some of you may think this is going to be some sort of sexist comment against women, but those who really know me, know that I’d never do that. I think it’s just great that there are weatherwomen because they bring color to a rather dull subject. Nice bright dresses, good makeup, pretty scarves, and flashy fingernails. It’s hard for the guys to compete with their kind of presentation. Add to that the fact that most men have no idea what the weather is all about, once the broadcast is over, because they were too busy checking out the software.

Aw, there I went and did it. Sorry. If I could that that back, I would, but I have a policy that writing it, thinking it, or saying it is pretty much the same. Once it’s done, it’s done. I know, I could back up and erase that, thanks to the wonderful technology we have, but that wouldn’t be fair. You who waste your valuable time reading this deserve to see it all.

Back to women … I’m all for equality. In fact, I’m all for more than equality. I say let women do everything and leave the men home to do the laundry, housework, and cooking. I’d even clean out the litter box, if we had a cat, which we don’t, so it’s easy for me to say that.

Speaking of laundry … I haven’t been allowed to do laundry since 1993 when I tossed one of Diane’s really nice chenille sweaters into the dryer, and later picked about 90% of it out of the lint trap. That wasn’t a good day, but it got me out of the laundry business. Since then, I’ve been the vacuum cleaner guy. One of these days something will go wrong to get me out of that one, too, but I fear what might replace it. I’m already banned from loading the dishwasher because I do it wrong. I cook once in a while, but it hasn’t been added to my list of duties … so far it’s a voluntary thing. I also help change the sheets, when asked. I never volunteer for that one because I don’t see the need to do it more than once a month. Diane thinks otherwise. Sometimes she does it and I don’t know it until it’s time for bed. Then  I have to take time to shower so I don’t mess them up.

Back to laundry … I that was my main chore it would be so easy. I’d have 7 shirts, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks and 7 pair of underwear. When I put on the 7th sent I’d wash all the rest so I’d be ready for the next day. I’ve often thought living like Jack Reacher would be OK, too. He buys cheap clothes and when they get dirty he buys new ones and throws the old ones away. Jack Reacher isn’t a real person, I don’t think. He’s a character in novels by Lee Child.

I hear commercials on the living room TV which means that Diane is asleep on the couch. If she was awake she’d be buzzing through the commercials with the fast forward button on the DVR. I think DVR means digital video recorder. It’s like a VCR with no tape. I forget what VCR stands for.

My ears are ringing loudly so it’s time for me to knock this off and get to bed. The noise is always better in the morning. It’s something that just gets louder as the day goes on. Doc said they don’t know why it happens, and there’s nothing they can do about it. The underlying message there is, “live with it”. So, I do. Though annoying, I’d rather have ringing in my ears than a migraine.

Twilight Saga Review & The Great Raccoon Battle

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Today we went to see “Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1”. They may have listed the title differently, but that one makes sense to me. For the rest of this, I’m just reporting things as I see them.

For those of you not familiar with the Twilight series, it began as a series of about 14 books about benevolent-type vampires and a group of equally benevolent werewolves. I have to admit that I’ve read all 9 of the books and actually enjoyed them. They are the kind of books that you have to keep reading to see if anything exciting happens then someone turns them in to chick-flicks, which I also enjoy. It’s OK for guys to cry once in a while, as long as it’s dark.

The main character in the books is Bella and her shiny vampire boyfriend, Edward, who is, like, 112 years old. But he looks about 30, playing the role of an 18-year-old. Bella was a more convincing 18, by far.

The Cullens Clan (of vampires) lives in Forks, Washington on the Olympic Peninsula. It’s a for real place. It’s interesting that they filmed many of the scenes right here in St. Helens. Go figure. There’s even a tour of downtown showing all the places here in town they used. Those who live here are able to easily pick out the locations. Even me.

Anyway, the story is mostly a love story about Bella, Edward, and Jacob (one of the werewolves). It’s an odd triangle love affair centered around Bella, of course. I actually liked Jacob better than Edward so figured Bella made a colossal mistake by focusing on Edward. The only way she could connect with Edward was by having him bite her, making her immortal, and forever a bloodsucker, as Jacob would say. Most of the scenes are of Bella and Edward kissing and it looks, to me, like he’s trying to gnaw Bella’s lips off. She comes up a little puffy some times, but he still tries.

Everyone knows that vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies. If they don’t, they should. If they watch any of the 6 movies in the Twilight series they will understand. Or, maybe they won’t. That doesn’t really matter. Just understand that they hate each other but Bella keeps them from killing each other. Interesting. She’s a mortal, for crimeiny sakes.

After lots of drama, and some interesting encounters with the Voltari (I think that’s right), the head of all the vampires, who are stationed in Italy, not Transylvania, like most of us would have guessed. At least I would have. Actually, I did, and couldn’t understand how the author could have played me like that. I felt betrayed in an odd way, because it turned out to be OK that they worked out of Rome. After all, that’s where Vatican City is and you can’t get any more opposite than that – vampires and catholics.

This most recent movie is about Bella and Edward’s wedding, the ensuing honeymoon, lots of lip gnawing, a two-month full term pregnancy, and the death of Bella. She really looked terrible in the end, until the transformation. When she opened her eyes, the movie ended, just like Avatar, on in Avatar it was a guy. A really BIG guy. But, I bet either Edward or Jacob could whip him. It will be interesting to see what happens in the Part 2, but it won’t be coming out until 2014, or something like that.

Overall, the 3 or 4 movies have remained faithful to the 5 books.

In the middle of all that I had to take the dogs out because Diane said Ziva was groaning. Turns out she was groaning because she wanted to get acquainted with a cute little raccoon not much bigger than Ozzie. Ziva and Panzee cornered the raccoon under one of the grape vines and I was able to intercept them all before they disappeared into the property above us. There was much growling and gnashing of teeth, but the little raccoon was a feisty little fellow and the dogs decided the better part of valor was to listen to me and quit the assault. The upside of that encounter was that I got to run the 100 yard dash in my boots to do the intercept so I got all the exercise I need for the next 6 days.

Now I can just lay around and eat nuts.

Go Ducks!

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Today was Friday. I say that, knowing full well that each and every one of you already know that. Being Friday, however, means that the PAC-12 NCAA Football Championship game is on tonight between the Oregon Ducks and the UCLA Bruins. Oh, wait! That game is over! The Ducks won 49-31! What a surprise. I was allowed to watch the entire game. Had it not been for the loss to USC, perhaps the Ducks could have repeated for a national title bid against LSU. Instead, they’ll just have to settle for the Rose Bowl. What a bummer, right? Wonder who they will play.

Shortly after the game started, I borrowed Diane’s car for a run out to our church to resurrected the printer/copier. That only took about 30 minutes, so didn’t miss much.

I’m having trouble thinking of things I did today worth talking about, so I’m just going to tell some more lies. What’s new there? Eh?

Today was beautiful. That’s not a lie. It was sunny, clear, which seems a bit odd for December. Granted, it was a little chilly, but we can live with that by just staying indoors and peeking out the window at the blue sky. Actually, we can do that from our recliners, which we often do – between TV shows.

Speaking of TV shows, we’ve been thinking about getting another DVR so we can record all our favorite shows. Right now we can only record two shows at a time and there are three shows shows we absolutely have to see on some nights. “When,” you might ask, “do you have time to watch all of those shows?” With new developments in quantum mechanics, and nano technology, it’s simply a matter of having one of the new TVs that speed things up a little. Currently, they can only do this while using a DVR but there are rumblings about models soon to appear that can speed things up in real time.

The downside, of course, is that when the TV speeds things up watchers tend to lose track of what’s going on, and the actors voices tend to be on the shrill side, taking away from the drama in most shows. It’s kind of hard to believe the reality of a good love scene when both actors are talking like Alvin the chipmunk. But, it makes you laugh, and that’s important, too.

So, I recommend that everyone just take a course in “speed listening” techniques, like we’re going to do, so you can overcome the deficiencies of the sped up TVs. At $18,000 a pop, it’s just not worth it. In a few years the price will drop to around $8,000 and the technology should be better allowing most normal people to keep up with the action. If you invest in speed listening, as suggested, you’ll be way ahead of the curve and will be able to watch your TV shows on your navigation system while stuck in traffic jams. They can be streamed directly from your DVR to your navigation system via your iPhone. No other phone will work for this feature at this time. Maybe in 2015.

Now I’m sufficiently tired to go to bed and drop right off to sleep.

Good News!

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It wasn’t GOUT!

It was MSWTT & ISHTTOS! What a relief!

By the way … the picture in my last entry was not of my foot. I don’t know who’s it was, but I’m forever happy it isn’t mine.

For those of you who don’t read newspapers, or watch news on TV, let me fill you in on what’s happening …

It’s reported that Herman has been having an ongoing affair for the last 30-40 years. This, unfortunately, has put a large dent in Herman’s popularity factor which, of course, means less money for him. And, we all know that whoever gets the most donations is going to be the next president.  Personally, I kinda like Jimmy McMillan who’s running for the “Rent Is Too Damn High Party”. What’s not to like about that? Then there’s Tom Miller, a career flight attendant. I don’t know what airline he’s working for, but perhaps you’ve met him in your travels. Maybe he works, or worked, for American Airlines and new about the their pending bankruptcy. Hmmmm. Maybe he’s the one.

Then, there’s sports, of course. Aren’t you all happy that the NBA and Player’s Union has finally agreed that everyone is getting paid far too much? They should, as it was with Michael Jordan, be paid on ability, not potential.

Now, for those of you just dying to know what’s going on in Scappoose, Oregon, check here: http://www.spotlightnews.net/news/index.php. Exciting stuff.

If you’ve been looking for an old classmate, or loved one, maybe they’re here: http://www.co.columbia.or.us/sheriff/inmates/index.php. You just never know where people will turn up now days.

Ihope all is well with everyone out there. Send money if the mood strikes.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you what MSWTT & ISHTTOS means … it means that “my shoes were too tight & I should have taken them off sooner”. I think we’ve all had that once or twice.

Got Gout?

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Today I was forced to spend the majority of my day visiting the VA Clinic, Goodwill, and Costco. Everything was going OK until about the 2nd hour in Costco when my left big toe began to hurt. A lot.  I threatened to leave, but it was strongly suggested that I just sit on one of the available couch displays until I was summoned to exit the store. So I did. I waited. We finally left and I tried not to limp too much because I didn’t want to embarrass my escort, but it was difficult. Once in the car I was able to remove my shoes for which my feet were extremely thankful. It was a pleasant ride home.

On the way, however, we had to stop at a NAPA Autoparts store so I could buy some pin striping tape. The guy had to dig around in their back room, but he found what I needed and I left happy. It’s complicated, or I would explain … actually, it’s not complicated. I needed the tape so I could create a grid on an erasable white board for our church attendees can sign up for one of the various tasks available to them as a volunteer service effort. Doing that isn’t popular at our church. How about yours?

Once we got home I limped into the house, after we test drove a Cadillac CTS Station Wagon – ever seen one of those? – and Diane liked it, but said it didn’t “make her knees buckle.” So, we were allowed to go on home in the Buick.

When I got in the house I finally removed my socks and got a look at my poor big toe. The pain and look is very much like gout, but I’m not sure that’s it because I’ve only had gout in my right foot before. Getting it in the left foot is new. We talked about what may have caused it and narrowed it down to, perhaps, the sausage muffin I had for breakfast, or the giant Costco Polish dog. We’re not sure which one of those prepared meats it was, but it’s surely one of them. So, just to solidify the situation we had pepperoni pizza for supper. Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting when I check my blood sugar.

At the VA this morning my doctor revealed that I had lost 13 pounds since my last visit to her. She didn’t say 13 pounds of “what”, and I didn’t pursue it. She was proud of me so I just left it at that. I think my last visit was in August, but I’m not sure. I don’t keep track of stuff like that.

Brother Jack called this afternoon to report on our friend Jeff K. He’s the one who’s been in a coma for about 1.5 weeks. They did a brain scan and reportedly could not detect any brain activity. So, I call for your positive thoughts and prayers be directed toward his family and friends to cope with all of this.

Peace to you all.