Chang’s – what a great place to eat. I suspect the fastidious people of the world view it as a gathering place where diseases lurk, waiting to strike the unwary visitors. To me, it’s a gourmet delight. To Jerry #1 it’s a place to get half a meal and stuff the remainder in his pocket. I’ll explain that in a moment.
No, I’ll explain it now. Whenever Jerry #1 eats it’s a given that he will only eat half of whatever he’s served. And, he never drinks water. Ever! Most of us attribute his demure stature to this fact – he’s not well fed, and he’s severely dehydradrated causing his skin to pull his face back, making him look like Mr. Miagi … oh wait! He really does look like Mr. Miagi, but that’s mainly because he’s Japanese. I keep forgetting that. Dang! He also claims to be 5′ 1/2″ tall, too. Most of us disagree on that point. He’s at least 5′ 1″.
The “Three Jerry’s” group also includes a Tom, a Nelda, a Linda, a Coleen, a Vie, and a Diane. At yesterday’s gathering Linda and Diane were missing, both for gastrointestinal issues. So, they stayed home, investigating the toilet paper supply, hoping it wouldn’t run out.
It was a drastic mistake that led Jerry #1 down the path of enemas and other solutions for constipation that involved graphic detail of the results. I did learn something, however. A person can go for nine days without going. I don’t know if that’s a world record, or not, but it is for Jerry #1’s mother-in-law. I simply cannot imagine the agony she must have been in. That began the epic discussion about enemas.
I have to admit that I’ve had one of those, self-administered, in preparation for a sigmoidoscopy, and again for a colonoscopy. I actually kind of enjoyed the sigmoidoscopy because I got to watch a live feed on TV as the doctor and nurse stood behind me, gently feed a camera up my ass. It wasn’t really all that exciting, I guess, because it just looked like the inside of a new, stretched out dryer exhaust tube, without the lint. There was no lint because I had that self inflicted enema earlier.
Tom shared nurse stories about enemas that included a garden hose and a bucket of water. He did it, he said, to scare a patient which isn’t normally ethical for a nurse, but the patient was his father-in-law I think. The in-law was given a med to put him to sleep quickly and was told Tom would be back with his “tools” when the meds did their job. It took him an hour to go to sleep because he didn’t want Tom to return.
What I learned from all this talk about enemas is that it’s apparently OK to administer them to your in-laws. I think wives and neighbors are allowed to do that, too, if necessary.
Jerry #2, Nelda, and Vie were sitting at the other end of the table so we weren’t allowed to share in their whispered conversations, so my rendition of this gathering is limited. Once in a while, however, someone would get everyone’s attention and share something of importance, but I can’t remember them because I didn’t have my crayon and paper to take notes. Perhaps some of those who participated will feel inclined to fill in the gaps … I do know there were some jokes shared that I’ve never heard before … Tom?
The big announcement came from Jerry #1. He got everyone’s attentioin by standing up and saying, “I have an announcement.” That when we knew he had an announcement. “I’m a new father,” he stated, grinning from ear to ear. This got everyone’s attention because we all know that Jerry was widowed from the lovely Lynn two years ago and none of us was aware that he had a romantic interest in anyone else. Considering, too, that he’s no longer allowed to fornicate, because of his advanced age, it was unlikely that he was the father of a child. Yet, he announced that he was a new father.
After a short pause to allow this news to sink in, he further clarified that it was Lynn’s race horse, Rose, that recently had a colt. This made my mind swerve into an entirely new direction that mainly consisted of questions around the possibilities of a human fathering a baby horse. I had to shake my head to make that go away, then the reality hit me. Jerry’s mare had a colt fathered by a stud. Knowing that Jerry #1 really isn’t a stud, I figured it out.
The colt’s name is going to be “はやく Lynn はやく“, where はやく = hayaku, or hurry up. So, when she’s running down the stretch the announcer will be saying, “and here comes Hayaku Lynn Hayaku on the outside. Hayaku Lynn Hayaku by a nose,” etc. In two or three years we’ll all see what that sounds like at Portland Meadows.
As we left, Tom and I shared an intimate moment in the restroom, discussing things we couldn’t discuss in public. Mainly it was about why it was a good idea Jerry #1 didn’t want to use the facilities because the urinal was too high and there was no stool. That allowed him to leave right away with the other half of his meal wrapped in two rice paper enchalada wrappers which he stuffed into his shirt pocket.
Vie also left without a goodbye hug, but Jerry #3 and Nelda waited. Coleen had to wait, too, because she was Tom’s chauffeur. Nelda and #3 were headed over to the Helvatia area to look at a Segway someone had for sale. #3 said that they may as well have an even four Segways that don’t work instead of only three. Nelda had the address programmed into her enormous phone and the map showed her the blue line they needed to follow. I took her to the next level by randomly touching a spot on the phone that produced a soothing voice telling them to get started, and would talk them through the turns for the trip. Nelda was so excited!
Me? I went home to be with my lovely bride and to take Cedric to his golf practice. Then I sat on the couch for the remainder of the day. It was a good one.
Now I need to buy Diane a new computer because hers, in Diane’s terms, is “Tits up.”