For those of you who noticed my absence, and who may be interested in why, it’s because  I went “black”, or incognito for the last few days. I’ve been waiting to see if anyone noticed, and one finally did. She was concerned enough about my frail condition that she called Diane to see what was the matter. So, I’m not, as I was beginning to believe, invisible. Thinking that was true had me right on the verge of spending more time at Victoria’s Secrets, which really aren’t secrets because they advertise all over the place, and have these HUGE pictures of NNW (nearly naked women) in their store windows which they use to entice unsuspecting teenage girls into spending money on “things” to make them more appealing. “Things” that accentuate the naughty bits at which we are not allowed to gaze. Very confusing.

In an effort to alleviate the confusion, I conducted an experiment that allowed me to don a lacy pushup bra and a pair of lacy bikini panties which I wore for an entire day. I didn’t care for the bra too much, but it did cause a lot of looks from some undesireable people, at which I glared until they looked away. The panties, however, were a sporadic source of sensual satisfaction, sending shivvers of giddy goodness throughout my right leg simply by knowing that I had them on, and no one knew. Then they started riding up, causing a need to find quiet areas where I could correct the fit of the creeping cotton. After having to do this the third time within a block it became annoying, the shivver was gone. It made me understand the benefits of the thong which is just a nice pair of panties that have been force to maximum creep from which there is no recoverey … so you gotta live with it. That, and with thongs there’s the benefit of NVPL.

After it’s all said and done, It still amazes me that girls who spend all that time and money to project an other worldly sexiness find it “improper” for me to give them more than a cursory glance. C’mon! At my age it takes a little time to comprehend exactly what I’m looking at, so give me a break. If my gaze lingers too long, I’m sorry. If you don’t like it, and you’re in my vicinity on a regular basis, wear something less appealing, like one of those long dresses they wore on the farm in Nebraska in the 1800’s. You can do that, but it won’t matter because I’m going to look anyway and the reason is simple … sure, clothes expose and promote various body parts, but the source of beauty I see is a womans face … the quizzical arch of an eyebrow, dazzeling eyes, the slight upturn of a smile that reveals a devastating dimple … simple things.

Tell me why it’s considered “wrong” when I look too long at one of these bedecked beauties for “too long”, a period of time that no one can accurately specify, I’m deemed to be a dirty old man. A lecher. A pervert. It’s the wrong message for my spongy brain. I think the ACLU should specify how long I can spend looking at one individual before being required to move my gaze to another person, or thing. It distresses me that this hasn’t been done. So, I make my own rules. I only look at pretty girls as long as I want, or until my pulse increases to 78 bpm. Diane gave me a little thing that attaches to my left arm that transmits to my iPhone. There’s an app for it that sounds a klaxon-type alarm to warn me it’s time to shift my gaze to something, or someone a lot more benign. Now, Diane doesn’t mind that I look. She just doesn’t want me dropping dead on the street. Considering the way some girls dress now days, that’s always a possibility. It’s down right scary at times.

Now, back to reality.

Last Thursday, Jack and Wynette stopped by so we could play with Wy’s new iPad. A side benefit of the visit was the new things I learned. I’d share them with you but I was cautioned, from many fronts, that none of it is appropriate for this venue. So, you will all just have to remain in the dark, or think about what Jack’s capable of and let your mind roam a little. Considering that, I have no idea why I was compelled to include this little bit of news other than to let you all know that we saw Jack and Wynette.

Then we went “camping” in the RV. Here’s where we parked, in the Northern regions of the Long Beach Peninsula …

We spent three nights there visiting with Doug, JP, Carolyn, Todd, and Sue, and we had the occasion to visit with Jack and Wynette two more times for meals because they were also in the vicinity, but in a fancy schmancy hotel on the beach. We had to drive to the beach.

The Long Beach Peninsula has approximately 20 miles of hard packed sand on which common vehicles can drive from one end to the other. We drove out there on Saturday to watch the sunset with Doug and JP.

We also drove to the golf course a couple of times where I hit some of the most incredible drives of my simple life. I also made some very interesting putts. In between, it wasn’t so good, ensuring that my 36 handicap is not in danger of dropping. Diane joined us with her brand new pink Wilson clubs, in their very pink bag. I was envious because they were so shiny and clean … and she played well. We quickly learned, however, that it’s best for spouses to ride in separate golf carts while golfing because one of them is bound to get mad at the other. So, she rode with JP, and I rode with Doug. It worked well and we had fun.

Yesterday we returned home and I have two days to get the following tasks completed before we head out again. This time we’re going to Big Eddy County Park, out near Vernonia, on Highway 47.

My ToDoList:

1. Refinance the house
2. Get a bid to re-roof the house
3. Replace the brake calipers on the Subaru
4. Mow the lawns
5. Replace the points on the Old Chevy Truck so I can haul things to the dump and go get Jack’s and Wy’s pool table
6. Move the piano and organ from the garage to the basement
7. Move the pool table from Jack’s and Wy’s to our basement
8. Make sure the hot tub chemicals are good to last through the weekend
9. Get my high school class 50th Reunion book published. Wow! 50 years!

Not a long list, but all are necessary to ensure my right to continue living at this address.

Now I’m going to drink coffee. Hope everyone has a safe day.

This year St. Helens isn’t having fireworks on the 4th of July. Oh, it’s happened in the past, but rarely. Usually it’s a funding issue, lack of donations. This year, however, the City Fathers decided to defer fireworks until July 14th, to celebrate the Maritime-Heritage Festival that’s coming to town. Yes, it’s a big event, and it will bring a lot of revenue to the city, but I find it a little disconcerting that they didn’t consider the 4th important enough to expend at least a few token explosions.

Having said that, I must share a thought that Diane implanted in my brain, about all the veterans with PTSD, and how traumatizing the noisy festivities must be for them. Hopefully they will all make it safely, sanely through the explosions going off all over the place. It can’t be fun for them.

I wish you all well, and hope that you, and everyone you know, understands today is about freedom. Somehow that seems to get lost in all the noise and flashy fireworks.

So, perhaps not having a city sponsored event isn’t all that bad, especially since everyone else in town is taking care of that quite nicely.

Still … you know what I mean, right?

Bless you all.

Greetings – this will be a short ditty to alert all you softball fans that Lydia’s team won 2nd at the Oregon ASA tournament. They were the only unbeaten team going into the final game in this double elimination tournament. They lost to Lake Oswego so had to play them again. The officials decided to forego the 2nd game and just do an international overtime thing. Interesting. Anyway, the girls played very well and they were fun to watch. They had to endure a 7 hour rain delay Saturday and didn’t finish their games until after 10pm, and didn’t get home until midnight. Sunday they won their first game in an overtime sudden death situation. The team they ultimately lost to, did the same thing to the same team, so it was a good match for the finish.

I don’t know what day it is … and I’m beseiged with flashes of odd things that don’t make a lot of sense to me. Like flashing lights that contain messages of some sort which I understand is pretty much the ‘norm’ for me. Ask Diane.

Except for the lights, the last cognizant thing I remember was laying down for a nap in Newport, at the beach, while Lilly Tomlin dripped hot wax all over me. For a short time I thought it was just a fantasy until I realized that my fantasies aren’t useually painful.

The next thing I know, I’m waking up in my bed at home. Oh … Diane just told me it’s Monday, so I’ve been incognito for the three days. She said I acted perfectly normal, for me, the entire time so there was no cause for alarm on her part. I even drove the RV all the way home last Friday without mishap. She also said I was a perfect gentleman to her the entire time which should have raised some danger flags, but didn’t. Considering all that, I found it curious that I have all these little red spots all over me, like someone dripped wax on me. It confused me a great deal until I remembered my last cognitive memory then it all made sense except I don’t know Lily Tomlin. I think it was someone else.

Sometime during my ‘unaware’ state someone replaced my right eyeball with a wireless one. I discovered this when I was walking down the hall and turned too soon for the bathroom and ran into the door jam. The sudden stop caused my right eyeball to pop out and fall on the floor. Initially, it concerned me a great deal, then I realized that I could still see with my right eye as it rolled across the floor. It made me very dizzy seeing floor, ceiling, wall, floor, ceiling, wall, dust ball, cat, dog, wall, and I fell down until it stopped short under our bed. At that point, I was more than concerned a great deal … I was concerning a great deal more!

I was freantic, laying there on the floor, face down, staring at the bottom of the bed with my right eye. I wet my pants which eliminated the need to visit the bathroom, where I was going in the first place.

Once my fear subsided a little, I got a little braver and learned that I could turn off my right eye simply by closing it. How handy. Once I figured that out, I went searching, and found my eye next to the rear wheel on Diane’s side.

I retrieved it, washed the dust off of it and gave it a serious inspection. Not only was it very freeky, but I quickly got over that and became more interested in the technology. Keeping my right eye shut, I checked it out with my left eye, the one with the astigmatism, thinking I wished they’d swapped that one out too, or at least instead. I decided that I liked it.

After fiddling with it for a while, I decided to see if I could reinstall it and discovered it wasn’t all that hard except for the part where I had to open my right eyelid to put it in. I briefly wondered if I had to put some sort of lubricant on it, like WD-40, or something, but it slid right in. As soon as it was in the socket, I felt it jiggle a little, as if it was aligning, then everything was clear as crystal. It was amazing.

I can take it out and hold it up to look around corners, see the end of my elbow in person, and check out whatever’s making my back itch. That last one is awesome because I’ve always wondered about what causes it. I still don’t know, but at least now I can look at it. And, I can look up my nose, and ears. to make sure everything is nice and clean. I have to do that at home, though, because Diane gets upset when I do it in public. It causes everyone to ask too many questions. It was OK for a while because I just told them I got it at Costco in Mexico City and they aren’t shipping them to the US, yet.

It’s all pretty nifty, and gives a whole new meaning to “keeping an eye out for you,” or “rolling your eyes.” I can actually do that now, and I’m learning to control the vertigo whenever I do either of those.

That’s probably enough about the eye for now, and I’m sure you don’t believe a bit of this, which is probably a good choice. So, I won’t go into detail about the little bump I found on the side of my head, under my right sideburn, that activates a zoom feature. Near as I can tell, it’s about a 186Kx magnification which means I can see individual atoms! How cool is that?!