Category Archives: Opinions

WW III & The Apocalypse

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This morning Diane took Jennifer, our first daughter, to the Expo Center in Portland to attend the Antiques & Collectibles event. I was given the option of staying home and spending my day unsupervised, free to let my senses sense stuff, and eat whatever I want. Soon after Diane left to get Jennifer, I found myself engrossed in a video about the coming apocalypse, and WWIII.

It was an incredibly long video that started out on a very religious note, quoting the bible and events associated with End Days and I was captivated because it was interesting to see how the authors interpreted the prophecies. I’ve been captivated by long videos of a similar nature, regarding other subjects, but the result I suspected was at the end where I was offered a “program” that would help me and my family survive the end of days for only $39. Not for the quoted street value of $197, or the $500 others might charge, but only $39. Seemed like a pretty good deal.

Then, the guy kept talking, offering to provide a 60 money back guarantee, and support for a full year after purchase, even though he reported that WW III was going to happen before January 2017. Yup. 2017. Perhaps you’ve heard about this offer, too.

Well, that’s when he lost me and I chose to not click the “add to cart” button at the bottom of the screen. I just sat there thinking about all that for a bit and the voice came back letting me know he knew I was still there and began another spiel to try to convince me that I should really take advantage of this special offer.

Now, after the first 45 minutes of listening to this person talk, I was pretty sure it was going to end with a special offer of some sort, so that wasn’t a surprise. What did interest me, however, was the claim that WW III was going to begin with a powerful EMP strike 20 miles above the center of the USA. He reported that President Putin was going to be the delivery boy for this attack that will cripple America by destroying our power grid. No more iPhones, folks.

I closed the message and opened an email from a friend that provided me with quotes from famous people from the past that is more on topic for what’s been going through my brain lately. Without his permission, I’m going to share them here and put WW III and the apocalypse aside for a while. I have until the end of the year to address that subject and need to do some more research before stepping out on that one.

Here are the quotes … they don’t portray anything new. They just have a common theme that, sadly, “we the people” deal with all the time.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

You may have noticed that one of the quotes above was made by Henry Cate, VII. My older brother, Lyle, once told me that he traced the Cate heritage back to Mary Queen of Scots. Turns out Henry was her father, so guess I’m descended from royalty. Who knew?

Maybe I really should run for King, unless, of course, one of my older brothers wishes to be in charge.

Have a good day.

Welfare & Politicians

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While expounding on the merits of certain presidential candidates, and politicians in general, it was brought to my attention that I failed to touch on another iffy subject that’s near and dear to many folks in the good old USA. That would be our failed welfare system.

So, here goes ….

Welfare. My dictionary has a variety of definitions for this simple word which I will now list because I’m not sure many people truly understand what it means.

It’s a noun meaning:

  • The good fortune, health, happiness, prosperity, etc., of a person, group, or organization;
  • Financial or other assistance to an individual or family from a city, state, or national government;
  • Informal. a governmental agency that provides funds and aid to people in need, especially those unable to work.

It might be used in a sentence in this manner – “Yes, I have a job, but I need welfare so I can pay for my new car, my TV, my cigarettes, my medical marijuana, etc.”

The more I think about this, the more I think career politicians and welfare recipients have a lot in common. The politicians must survive the election process and welfare recipients must survive the application process. Once they are in the system, it’s hard to remove them. Both of them live off public money for which there is little, or no accountability

It was suggested that welfare recipients should be required to work at least 20 yours a week in order to receive their welfare check. With the increase in minimum wage that $300 a week might put them beyond the limits of welfare, so those rules will certainly have to change.

I believe we should require the same of our politicians – they should work at least 20 hours a week. Year round. Campaigning doesn’t count.

As for both welfare recipients and politicians, the 20/hr/wk job doesn’t need to be a paying one. It could be some form of community service that produces tangible results that can be measured. The committee that determines if the job is good enough must be comprised of 7 people who are currently receiving Social Security, and never have been a politician or a welfare recipient. That’s it. Simple rules. Race, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, and past career knowledge, are not qualifying factors. This will be a volunteer committee from all walks of life.

Welfare recipients and politicians will be able to receive their payments for the same period of time our president is allowed to serve this nation. That means 4 years normally, 8 years maximum. The committee checking on the quality of work will determine if payment is warranted beyond 4 years, or if the politician’s work is worthy enough to extend beyond 4 years.

In any event, the maximum time allowed for either, is 8 years. Then it’s hit bricks and get a real job. Join the military. Be a preacher. Go to college. Do something productive for a change. Or, hey! Perhaps they could just switch positions at the end of their respective terms. That might be interesting.

I’m sure some of you are wondering what kind of heartless lunatic I am to be down on folks who need a lift up. Well, it’s easy, because I’m not aiming at the majority who actually need the help and who eventually work their way off the system and become productive. I’m talking about the minority of those who make welfare a way of life because it’s so easy to get. And keep. Same with politicians. All they have to be is glib, charismatic, bendable, and without morales to meet current requirements. I’ll grant you that some politicians are stellar folks who actually do have a great deal of interest in our welfare (hmmm), but the majority drown them out and make it impossible to accomplish anything while serving as a part of that hugh machine. I believe their interest in our welfare is due to the fact that our continued well-being (a synonym for welfare) is directly related to the benefits (another synonym) they receive while in office. Seems like the most work they do is campaign to get re-elected.

Perhaps our politicians should work in a system like our American Legion, or Lions International clubs. They have a chain of command with positions filled by members who are elected or who volunteer to serve. Once in a position, there is a protocol they follow up the chain until they are in charge. After their term (1 year), they step down so the person behind them can fill the spot. No elections. No two-party rigamarole, just guys and gals doing their jobs.

OK – I made a left turn back there somewhere and need to pull myself out of this. I get passionate about “stuff” and it’s hard for me to keep up with myself when the words start flying all over the place.

Perhaps there’s a tiny bit of sense in there somewhere, or maybe a seed that someone can plant and grow something meaningful. It may even make more sense if I was inclined to go back and edit things a little, but that’s not me. I leave stuff alone once it’s out there.

That’s about all I’ve got so need to quit. Also, Diane will be home soon and I didn’t ask if I could use the computer while she was gone. She’s at “The World Day Of Prayer” with a large group of ladies at the Christian Church. When she left, I asked her to pray for me. She said she would. So, maybe I’m OK with this. We’ll see.

 

So, you want to be President, huh?

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So, I’ve been thinking. Some who know me may find that a little disconcerting because they are familiar with the odd things that happen when I do something like that. You know, think. Most of the time I don’t do that and, from my point of view, life is way more interesting if I just leave my brain unengaged. Now I’m going to take that huge step into outer space and share some possibly controversial political information that’s been circling the drain in my brain for a couple of months. It concerns all the hoopla surrounding Trump and those who rally against him.

First, I’m not necessarily a Trump advocate, nor am I totally against him. Part of me really likes his disregard for political correctness, the main reason I like him. He’s not a “party line” kinda guy. He doesn’t use a lot of filters when sharing information, or his views on how things should be done. He shoots from the hip. All those things … I like all of that. I have some concerns about how he tentatively plans to accomplish some of his programs, but figure, if he’s elected, he’ll do his best to honor his word.

That brings to mind the other candidates … all those career politicians who fall complacently into the party line, to continue down the established road of political correctness that’s sinking our nation, seemingly ignoring the pledges they made during their run for office. “We need new leadership,” they shout from the roof tops, and that’s what they get with every election, new leadership. Sadly, they new leadership is no different from the old leadership. But, it sounds like a good rallying cry, doesn’t it? Then there’s “We need to turn this country around!” Well, ya, we do. But just saying it, without providing a solution as to how that’s going to happen, is rhetoric. Meaningless. A waste of good air. It’s an old saying, and everyone’s heard it, but it comes to mind every time my favorite TV program gets preempted by politics – it goes something like this …

If you identify, or complain about a problem, but don’t offer a solution, you’re part of the problem

or words to that effect

Pretty simple stuff, and there actually are politicians that provide good solutions to problems. Then, congress gets involved and screws it all up. Why do we bother? Seems like a considerable waste of time to allow an elected group of people who swore to work in our best interest while, at the same time, make sure they are not forced to feed at the same trough they provide for us. How utterly typical.

Another thing that’s caught my attention is Trump’s vow to deport all the illegal aliens. I read an article this morning how it would take x number of school buses, moving 650 a day, for 20 years to get all the illegals removed. It went on to tally up the billions of dollars it would cost to make it all happen, not taking into account the billions of dollars sent out of the country each year by illegals who work here, and money lost because most of them don’t pay taxes.

I have a better idea …

Since the vast majority of illegals really aren’t a problem, why not concentrate on those who are?

  • Take all those illegals who are currently incarcerated for any infraction, and send them back with a distinctive tattoo so they can be identified should they try to return. I’m thinking something like, “I WAS DEPORTED FROM THE USA ON DAY, MONTH, YEAR” on the bottom of their left foot. Maybe implant a chip.
  • ACLU lawyers who represent illegals, complaining that rights have been violated, should accompany illegals they support to their country of the illegal’s origin. They can be ACLU lawyers there, just as well as here.
  • Any illegal who joins the US Military in an enlisted capacity, and serves honorably for at least 4 years, is granted citizenship. Any infraction during the four years results in termination of the agreement.
  • Any illegal too old for military service, must have 4 years of clean living before granting citizenship.

To make things fair, allow illegals 3 months to make their presence known by registering with their local police station for possible amnesty. Each registrant would receive an ID card. After three months, require everyone in the US to provide proof of citizenship, registration, or visit visa, upon request, for any reason when asked by law enforcement, retailers, employers, etc. Only those nefarious individuals who wish to remain invisible, and the ACLU, will object to this.

OK, none of that is really very realistic, I know. It’s kind of like listening to a politician talk. But, I did provide some possible solutions even though they are a little radical.

Perhaps, instead of electing a president, we should elect a King. I was going to add Queen, also, but everyone knows that if we elect a King, the Queen will rule anyway. That’s just the way it is. The King, with the Queen’s permission, can rule the country with an iron fist. He will live in the Whitehouse and the National Promenade will be divided up into plots suitable for his serfs to raise crops. …………….

Gotta quit, now. Things are quickly heading south. Thankfully, I’ve opened up enough brain space to allow me peace throughout the next week or so.

Please remember that you should not believe anything I’ve written as I’m a known prevaricator. Ya, I lie. A lot. Maybe I should be a politician.

Soccer, Softball, Sky, & Relatives

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Last weekend Diane and I participated in a sports extravaganza the likes of which we haven’t enjoyed in a while. Soccer has been ruling our lives for most of the winter months, but now softball has reared it’s head, demanding to be noticed. So, we noticed. To help us along that path, Niece Steffani and her significant other paid us a visit because their daughter, Maryssa, was playing a softball tournament in Happy Valley. Maryssa plays for Eastern Oregon University out of La Grande, Oregon.

Steff and Bob arrived around 10:30 pm Thursday night to kick the weekend off. Maryssa wasn’t scheduled to play until Saturday and Sunday so we had a fun day catching up on all the Idaho gossip. There’s always Idaho gossip. Oregon gossip, too. It’s a family thing and not limited to just our family, I’m sure.

On Saturday Diane and I already had plans to ferry Daniel and Lydia to Springfield, Oregon for Lydia’s participation in a game with her tournament team which plays out of Hillsboro, Oregon. They didn’t get a very good start to the season, losing their first three games, so we had hopes that her teams’ defense would perk up and make the long drive worth it.

They did, winning their match 1-0 against a very active team. It was the team’s first goal of the season, and their first win, so the trip was definitely worth it. Lydia, the goalie, did an exemplary job stopping numerous kicks on goal, helping to maintain the shutout.

That little bumblebee smudge in the middle of the field is our Lydia. It’s where she spent a lot of the game, watching all the activity around the opponent’s goal. It was a good game.

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While the soccer match was in progress, Maryssa’s team was getting beat up, losing a couple of games during the course of the day. It was a tough start to their season, too. We kept track of each other via texting during the games, and to announce our whereabouts with regard to home.

After leaving Springfield, since it was lunchtime, and Lydia hadn’t had anything to eat for a while, we stopped at Coburg Pizza Company for a bite. Daniel selected it from many choices offered by SIRI, and it was an excellent choice. When we arrived, it was pretty quiet, but by the time our food appeared on the table, the joint was jumping. Because we were early, Lydia was able to snag the table closest to the fire-place which was good because we had all been standing around in a frigid breeze all morning.

IMG_0339

It’s a bad selfie, but gives you an idea of the ambience to which we were subjected. We highly recommend the Coburg Pizza Company if you’re ever in the area. Good food.

Sunday, the tables turned a bit as Jennifer was able to ferry Lydia and Cedric to their next game in Wilsonville, Oregon, allowing Diane and I to attend Maryssa’s game in Happy Valley. As before, we kept each other up to date via texting as the games progress. Lydia’s team won 2-0 which means they are on a streak, and doing far better now that they have some games under their belts.

At Maryssa’s game things turned a corner in a dramatic way when EOU was down 6-0 to a college team out of Canada. It was the bottom of the 7th and Maryssa was going to bat first in the inning so wanted to make sure I was sitting down to watch when it started. She hadn’t been able to produce a hit yet, so we had high hopes. Then, as the girls were warming up, I thought it would be a good idea to go to the truck for something I didn’t really need. About the time I got there it hit me that Maryssa is batting! So, I quickly turned around and hoofed it back to the field as quickly as I could, in cowboy boots. When I arrived the count on Maryssa was 1-2, leaving one strike away from a trip back to the dugout. As I walked up she took a pitch and drove it down the 3rd base line but it was foul by about 2 inches. Then I was seated for the next pitch which she sent over the fence in right center field. What a hit. She really nailed it, and scored the first run for her team. That got things started, because during that inning her team had more base hits, and a total of 3 HRs, the last of which tied the score at 6-6. Wow! That was Maryssa’s first collegiate home run, and we were there to see it. What a thrill. I’m sure that she was saving that hit for us.

The 8th inning found them tied again, so it was on to the 9th with the use of International tie breaker rules. That’s where the team at bat gets to send their last out to 2nd base to start. The other team scored a couple of runs making it 8-6, putting EOU in a do or die position. At their last up they were able to get one run in, with 2 outs, for a 8-7 deficit with the tying run on 2nd. Then Cheyenne came to bat. She took a few pitches then smoked one over the fence for the 4th HR of the game, ending it with a 10-8 win for EOU. It was pretty awesome.

During the break between games, Jennifer, Lydia, and Cedric arrived and were able to visit a bit, and have lunch with Bob, Steff, and Maryssa. The snack shack at the Hood View Park sports complex had surprisingly good food prompting us to just remain in place for lunch instead of venturing out into town.

Here’s Maryssa (left), and Lydia enjoying lunch in the sun which was nice, because almost the entire first game was played in cold rain.

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Maryssa was put into the lineup for the afternoon game so we stuck around to watch. The EOU coach, to this point, had been alternating Maryssa with another contender for 2nd base, but finally saw the light and played her two in a row. Unfortunately, they faced an exemplary freshman pitcher from a British Columbia team and couldn’t dig out a win. It wasn’t for lack of effort on Maryssa’s part, however because she went 1 for 3, driving in 2 RBIs on a double.

During the first part of the game, Jennie, Cedric, and Lydia said their goodbyes because they had to make it back to the MODA Center in downtown Portland where they had tickets to a concert.

After the game we said our goodbyes to Bob, Steff, and Maryssa as they were all headed east, and we were going west. It was a good visit and we had a lot of fun watching the games.

During one leg of our trip, we saw this interesting cloud formation and I felt compelled to capture it for posterity, and to share it with you. Make of it what you wish, as we did. If we were in Kansas, we would have been concerned. Here in Oregon it was just interesting.

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Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue 2016

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Yesterday Diane handed me the latest Sports Illustrated issue telling me it appeared to be “pretty good reading.” I didn’t understand what she meant until I saw the cover.

I have to admit it was a page turner because the magazine is thick, and there’s a model on pretty much every page instead of a bunch of photos in the middle. So, I paged through the entire magazine, looking at the pretty girls, then I did it again looking for interesting article, and feel compelled to share these observations:

  1. It appears SI is working toward replacing Playboy with nearly naked ladies.
  2. Lots of the new swimming suits don’t have tops.
  3. The most alluring models are the plus size ladies.
  4. There are no articles regarding sports at all – just pretty girls and advertisements. I checked three times.
  5. Apparently paint counts as a swimsuit. I believe that’s illegal. Nice, but illegal. Unless it’s water based latex paint.

I believe Ronda Rousey was the only model/athlete and she was one of the painted models. I guess one could say she is truly “Sports Illustrated.”

Get it?

Politics & Religion

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Since Politics or Religion are pretty much tabu subjects for polite conversation, I figured I might as well combine them today and see what happens. I mean, what could go wrong, right? At this point I’ll remind everyone that you have the right to stop reading here if you plan to be offended and you must remember that everything I share here is either an embellishment, or an uninformed opinion. Just sayin so you can save yourself some unnecessary grief about what comes next.

The political race is heating up and it looks like we’re going to have a very difficult decision to make on November 8th. Will it be Fun and Games with Donald, Hillary, Ted, Jeb, Marco, or Bernie? Hard to tell at this point in time, but I’m sure we’re going to get a belly full of political gibberish until election day to ensure we have all the information required to make an informed decision.

With us, here on the West Coast, it’s almost not worth it to vote because by the time our polls close the election is pretty much over. So, why bother, right? We hear all the time that we need to make sure our voice is heard and we can do that by voting. I vote every election and I don’t see a lot of evidence that my voice has been heard unless I vote totally against my better instincts and go with the candidate with the most money.

Using that as a guideline, it looks like our friend Donald is the guy.

President Donald. How does that sound? Does it sound better than President Clinton, or President Bush? For me it does mainly because we’ve already had the latter two. Might be fun to see what happens if we get someone in the White House who isn’t hung up on political correctness.

Now, about religion. I’m convinced that the majority of pastors, priests, reverends, preachers, etc., are “called” to churches that can pay them the most money. Now, I don’t blame them for doing that, but I think it would be more honest to call it a job, not a calling. There are, of course, many religious leaders who aren’t in it for the money. I actually know one. He’s college trained, calls himself a Chaplain, and absolutely refuses to accept any kind of pay for his services. Ever heard of a preacher like that? When I asked him what I owed him, after he performed a service, he waved his hands and said, “I won’t take any money for sharing God’s word. Never have, never will.”

Well, that was unique in my experience because he’s extremely good at what he does, and gets all of his answers, for any question, from his ever-present Bible.

I think this guy should be president.

 

Super Bowl 50

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I must admit that going in to this super bowl game Diane and I were pretty solid Panther fans, although we had a soft spot for Peyton Manning and the Broncos. Our reason for being partial to the Panthers is because two players, Derek Anderson (3) and David Mayo (55) on the team played high school football in Scappoose, Oregon. That’s where Diane and I went to school. Funny thing.

The highlight of the game was Lady Gaga’s rendition of the National Anthem. That was totally awesome in so many ways. Simply spectacular. From that point on it was all business for the Broncos who shut down an offense that was more than prolific during the season.

I wasn’t going to comment on the game but couldn’t keep from it after watching a replay of Lady Gaga’s wonderful performance. While she was singing, the camera panned the players of both teams and one thing became very evident to me.

Cam isn’t much of a patriot or perhaps he simply isn’t familiar with the concept.

Of all the players shown, Cam Newton was the only one I saw, from either team, who chose to not put his hand over his heart during Lady Gaga’s performance. Instead, he stood there with his ever-present towel over his head, which is apparently his trademark, with both hands hooked into the front of his shoulder pads. I suppose one could make a semi-valid argument that his right hand was, technically, near his heart. But, that doesn’t count.

On what led to the Carolina Panthers’ loss, Newton said, “It wasn’t nothing special that they did,” which revealed to me that Cam apparently isn’t very well educated so I shouldn’t be too hard on him for not knowing the proper way to present himself during the National Anthem. But, I am OK with being judgmental in this instance. He should know. That is, of course, my opinion.

Bottom line – we’re glad the Bronco’s won. They were the best team in more ways than the way they played the game.

OK, I lied …

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What’s new, huh? My last post was sent in a moment of weakness when I was feeling a little low about something inconsequential, like a pending doctor’s appointment, or something like that where the potential for terrible news was possible. I did have a few doctor’s appointments overt he past few weeks, but I wasn’t concerned about any of them because I typically not concerned about anything at all. I’m Mr. Stress Free about everything. Really, I am. Ask anyone.

I don’t worry about ISIS, which, by the way, I choose to pronounce “is is” instead of “ice iss” just for fun. World events seem to have a way of evening out in the long run, kinda like the stock market, if you just leave things alone. That, and there’s always Karma to fix the wrongs in the world.

For that same reason, I’m not even a little bit concerned about the upcoming presidential election because I figure things will be very interesting no matter who gets into office. I also feel that things won’t change much regardless of who wins.

I do feel, however, that if Trump somehow wins we will revert to a society where “Political Correctness” will become a thing of the past. It will be OK to function without worrying about whether of not all your filters are functioning properly. That’s my perfect world, as most of you might have guessed. I have a hard time applying filters to my words or actions. Life’s way more fun that way. Ask Donald.

If any of the other candidates win it will be business as usual because they’re all career politicians. Those should be prohibited, disallowed, against the law. It should be six-year terms max then it’s time to leave, not rally for another term.

I don’t think there should be an age limit on any positions, either. I figure if a person can either ride a bike, or roller skate, they qualify. If they can do both, better yet.

All office holders should write their own speeches or, like Donald, just share whatever is on their mind at the time in response to any question. It’s just more fun that way.

Strictly my opinion, of course.

Also, to stay in line with my normal conduct, I’m not going to edit the above except to correct spelling errors this program detects. It is what it is. I might read it again in a couple of days, or next week. Maybe. If there is anything too outrageous, I trust those who read it to let me know so I can consider fixing it.

On the fun side of life, I’ve been golfing twice this year already. Junior and I went out on January 1st, and again last Friday, the 8th. I’m happy to say that I did pretty well both times. Our plan is to continue going out once a week, weather permitting, until one of us dies. Now that’s a commitment. Doug was unable to join us because he’s still training his new fake knee and it’s proving to be a difficult process. So, everyone send Doug good thoughts to help get him through the healing process.

Me and Junior ready to tee off.IMG_2836

This was our view looking back on the 5th fairway. Mt. St. Helens looks good.IMG_2838This is what happened two days later.

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Another fun day was last Thursday when Cedric asked me to go with him and his Dad to the Navy recruiter. It appealed to me because the last time I went to a Navy recruiter was in 1962. I thought it would be interesting to see what’s changed. I say that as if to indicate I can remember that last visit. Not likely, but I can guess.

The recruiters we met were great in all respects and put Cedric at ease right away and made it a really good experience. All I did was shoot the breeze with them and share a few stories of what it was like being in the real Navy all those years ago. It was a fun visit, and Cedric is on the way to being a US Navy Sailor. The tradition continues. To expand on that a bit, Lydia is working through the process of applying for an appointment to the Naval Academy. Nothing firm there, yet, but I’m looking forward to that, too.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new year as much as I am.

So far it’s pretty good.

I’m done here …

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After making hundreds of posts of the past years, I believe it’s time to quit. The reason is mainly because I find myself trying to think of something witty to write that I think someone may find humorous. It used to be that I wrote simply to purge my brain but now days I fear that purging my brain may result in serious complications regarding personal hygiene. So, I’m not going to do it any more.

In the future, if I feel compelled to share something, I will do so via Facebook.

Farewell

Medicine Warning Labels

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After listening to all the warnings at the end of advertisements for various medicine, I’m concerned that they aren’t nearly comprehensive enough. Many thing are missing and I would like the folks that write all that stuff to consider some of these, which I may or may not have experienced personally.

Don’t take this medication if you are currently in the third hour of a 4-hour erection, plan to urinate but can’t, didn’t plan to urinate but did, have had loose stools for more than a week, have trouble sleeping on the floor, plan to have a heart attack within a week and half of becoming pregnant or impregnating someone.

You should stop taking this medicine if you experience a rapid heart beat while eating peanuts, a sudden urge to insert green grapes in your nose, spontaneous alopecia, aversion to puppies and kittens, the urge to damage yourself with dull butter knives, everything smells like urine, your ears bleed for no reason, your eye brows fall out, or you detect excessive nose hair.

Possible side effects include, but are not limited to possible loss of all curly body hair, extreme fingernail and toenail growth, terminal runny nose, impacted ear wax leading to extemporal vertigo stupendous, regressive genderitis, allergy to underwear, loss of ability to tie shoes due to failure of opposing thumbs.

If you experience any of the indicated symptoms call your medical advisor as soon as they get back from vacation. While waiting, take aspirin.

Dumb? Yes.