Tag Archives: life

Letters to Diane – 20

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Dear Diane,

It’s 1935 on Sunday afternoon, December 14th, 2025. I just added the date and time for the fun of it because none of my previous letters are dated. I didn’t think it was necessary because most people who read these things would do so using a computer. Doing that would make all the dates and time available to those who might be interested. I’m guessing you don’t have a computer where you are but I suspect date and time isn’t important to you at all. I can understand that because as time passes for me I find date and time information less important. Things seem to work out just fine no matter whether or not I know what date or time it is. So, I’m just not going to worry about it anymore. I’ll just live in the moment when I’m aware of my situation. I’m sharing that because there are many times when I’m not aware of my situation. Mainly, that’s when I’m asleep. You probably know all this, don’t you?

I went to church this morning, and I was on time for a change. Everyone there was surprised to see me. I was surprised to see Steve Thomas and his mom, Florence, in attendance. Though I have no memory of ever meeting Florence, it was good to see both of them. Steve looked pretty good, and he appeared to be very happy about his return to the church. As you know, our church is a good one to return to.

After the service I went downstairs and had one cookie and one cup of coffee. I shared the story about the friendship bracelet you got me and everyone was suitably amazed about how you made that gift happen. I just accept it now. There is an explanation, I know, but it doesn’t matter to me. You got the bracelet for me and got it to me. That’s all I need to know. I have proof that you love me. I don’t need proof, though. While we were together you made it obvious that you loved me every day. Adding the bracelet just made me understand that our love goes beyond the grave. I know, you don’t have a grave, but you know what I mean.

Lydia just returned from a trip to PDX with the family where they visited a light show at the Hillsboro Stadium, I think. Then they went shopping. They’ve been gone a while. It’s now almost 2100 now.

So, now I will quit.

ILY Always.

Letters to Diane – 18

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Hi there.

Today is Tuesday and, yes, I’ve taken my pills. Well, actually I’ve only taken half of them. I’ll down the remainder later this afternoon. If I remember.

It’s raining cats and dogs here because an atmospheric river is passing over us. Has been for a couple of days. Here’s what it’s doing to the back yard.

Yup. It’s running pretty hard, making the trip to the Columbia River a quick one. I suspect getting to Astoria quickly is possible, too.

Max and I made our morning trip around the block a while ago. He kind of dictates our route by making it known to me which direction he wants to go. For instance, we’ll be walking down the sidewalk and he’ll see something on the other side of the street that insterests him. He stops, steps off the curb, and looks up at me with his little puppy-dog eyes waiting to see if I’m getting the message. While doing this, he does not pull on the leash, he just stands there waiting to see what I’m going to do.

Before committing to his wishes, we have a little discussion about why it’s necessary for us to make sure there no cars coming because I don’t want a flat dog. He seems to understand but I insist that he looks at me the entire time I’m explaining this to him.

Then we go. On the other side of the street is a large bush that he knows is a place where many dogs before him have left their messages. Sometimes it takes 10-15 minutes to decipher she was there before him. After leaving his response he turns with excitement and heads for the next bush. Turns out he knows all the dogs in the neighborhood so it takes a while to catch up on their activities.

Here’s something new:

The deer showed up and Jeff put them together. It had to be done outside because they are all coated with glitter. The little deer in front were put together in the house so there was litter everywhere. It’s been cleaned up, but it was a mess. Now all six of them live in the front yard. As soon as the photos show up in the ‘cloud’ I’ll show you. I suppose you could just fly by and look yourself, but I’ll send you photos anyway.

Hey! It showed up:

The annual Christmas parade has turned into quite an event last Saturday. This is the one where the group travel around the town accepting food gifts to help the food bank. The parade started on our street just this side of Meadow Park and eventually cruised by Daniel and Jennie’s home. I was invited to join them for the festivities on Matzen Street where many friends and family were gathered.

That’s Jennie holding Jasper back so he won’t get run over. Like all St. Helens’ parades, candy is thrown to the masses and the kids clean the street up. The only candy I got was a piece of bubble gum Lydia left on her chair. I chewed it gleefully.

I still haven’t solved the garage door opener problem. I finally gave up a couple days ago and just unplugged it. If it doesn’t magically resurrect its self when I plug it back in, I will have to give up a little of my masculine nature and call the buiilder for help. It’s very frustrating.

Terri is still sending me messages of encouragement and reminding me to take my pills. It’s nice to know people care.

I think this is enough for today. I miss you terribly even though I see you everywhere. I love you.

Letters to Diane – 17

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Today you totally got me. The bracelet you got for me was delivered to the Hill House today. Jeff brought it to me and we both had a major meltdown. The mystery is complicated by the fact that it was ordered just today and delivered today. I told Jeff that there’s got to be a rational explanation surrounding this gift, but I totally OK believing it came from you directly. I don’t need a rational explanation.

Thank you.

For those wondering what I’m talking about, the bracelet came with a card that said irt was a gift from heaven. It’s a friendship bracelet beaded in morse code that says “Until we meet again”. It also came with a red cardinal on a 2″ glass circle that will be hanging from my rearview mirror. There is also a bag of raw cashews, something I’ve never had before. Thay are very good. Thank you very much for thinking of me. I’m sure you have lots of other things to consider besides me. This gift is another example of how creative you are. Something like the gift is beyond my ability to comprehend something like that. That makes it more special. It’s something I’ll wear forever.

I’m sure will be happy to know that Max has taken it upon himself to help Lydia by policing the litter boxes. He told me, “there’s nothing like a little kitty-roca to get me going in the morning, the evening, or any time.” I promise that I’ll do my best to convince him it’s not a healthy treat. Actually, it’s not really a treat at all, although that’s not his view. Whatever he deems it to be, it’s pretty disgusting. He can no longer lick my face. He’s OK with that because Jeff doesn’t care so he can get the licks.

You’ll be happy to learn that we got some permanent, year-round lights for all occasions. Jeff has been working the last couple of days to get them bolted to the house. If you haven’t seen them, you might want to make it a priority to look our way. I got him 200 feet of them which will reach almost all the way around 3 sides of the house. So, there will be lights everywhere except the car port. I think you will agree that the car port does not need lights. However, if you disagree, just let me know and I’ll get another string to take care of it. I’ll be on the lookout for your response.

I almost forgot to mention yesterday that Lydia and Jennie went shopping at the various craft displays that were made available throughout the town. While they were gone, I was entrusted with the care of our Littles, Siah and Jasper. The boys came equipped with fully charged tablets, so I wasn’t too concerned about getting myself in trouble. I was actually able to spend time working on the December newsletter for Bethany. They’ve decided to put one out quarterly from now on. So, there’s just one for December, then we’ll do a 3-month version in January.

Leaving the boys alone with their tablets, sitting side by side on the sofa, I got busy on the computer. They were generally quiet until Siah managed to poke enough buttons on his tablet to delete all the games he had on it. Interesting that he managed to do that. However, knowing he did it to himself, he managed to remain composed and was plenty happy to just sit and watch Jasper play on his tablet until Jennie returned. She’s the only one who can fix stuff like that. He’s a funny guy. Too smart for a 4-year-old.

The girls returned with many bags of treasures they found. They had a great time, and I managed to not have to use the duct tape on the Littles. They were good for me. or in spite of me, I’m not sure which. Either way, they were just plain good.

I’m signing off now. Lydia just left to take the cookies she baked to their church for an event they’re having. She left me a few in case I get snaky. I also had a large popcorn I got from the theater when I took Max downtown for his walk. Before a popcorn stop, however, we stopped at Wigglebutz to get his toenails trimmed. Jessica was really happy to see him. I spent my time watching Ohio and Indiana beat each other up for the Big 10 Conference Championship.

G’nite. Love you bunches.

Letters to Diane – 16

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Hi.

At 1430 today my BS took a dive. It dropped to 78 and was going down to the point where I was shaking a little and my legs were giving out. I was home alone so I drank a bunch of Ocean Spray juice and checked 10 minutes later. It was up to 88. By 1455 I got it up to 107 so I guess I’m going to survive for a while. I was just about to walk out the door to walk Max when it started dropping. He refused to go outside so I’m guessing he knew there was a crises brewing.

Shortly before that I was driving all over town (to the Credit Union). Short trip actually. I was working at getting your name off the bank account even though I was OK with it being there. But a legal type person suggested that I do that and they wouldn’t do it without a Death Certificate. So, I took them one. Now you can no longer sign into their website, but I suspect you’re not too concerned about it. If there’s anything you want to know about the account, text me and I’ll answer any questions you might have.

I would love getting a text from you. I’d also be happy if you could just sent me a morse code message by blinking one of the house lights. I still remember that stuff I learned in 1962.

While we wait for the crises to go away, Max and I are sitting in our chair drinking Ocean Spray and eating cashews. He doesn’t seem concerned that we aren’t going out after all. I think it’s better to stay in the chair because it will be easier to find me if I take another nosedive.

It’s now 1522 and my BS is up to 162 so my recovery method worked a little too well. I’ll put the OS away and just much cashews for a while. I’m pretty comfortable just sitting here doing nothing. I probably should get the Amazon box off the porch, but I’ll just leave it for Lydia. She loves packages from Amazon even if they aren’t hers. Plus, all the packages we get from them are sent to you. It’s fun to see your name on a new package once in a while.

Keep them coming.

Love You.

Letters to Diane – 15

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Hi,

Today was beautiful. Sunny and bright, not a cloud in the sky. It’s a huge change from the rain we’ve been having. The only evidence I could see that the rain happened is how hard the creek is running. It’s up at least 2 feet now.

I went to church because I thought it was time. I’ve missed weeing all those people. Thankfully, no one was sitting in our seats. It’s been a few Sundays since I’ve been, so I was concerned.

After service, I joined everyone in the basement for treats. They are doing it differently by just putting everything on the tables then going around with a coffee pot. I would have rather had water, but it didn’t appear to be an option, so I took coffee, black. It wasn’t bad, but I only had one cup. It was my first cup because I didn’t have time for anything at home before leaving for church. Max was a priority so I walked him around the block and he was appropriately happy about that.

After visiting with Chuck and Larry for a while I returned home and made myself a tuna sandwich using the mixture I’d made a few days ago. It passed the sniff test and it tasted ok so I figured it would be alright. It was.

About halfway through the sandwich, Daniel called Lydia and suggested we all go to El Tapatio for lunch. Sounded pretty good to me, so I gobbled down the sandwich, drank my milk, and we buzzed on over.

I had an authentic Mexican burrito with beans and rice, Jasper had quesadilla, Dan had a sampler plate, Siah got a pizza, Lydia had something I couldn’t identify, and Jennie had an enchilada. You’ll be happy know that I ate all of mine, like normal. It was filling enough that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have to eat again today. Jared planned to visit later and offered to cook for us which I was all in for. But, Lyd and I ate so much lunch there wasn’t going to be any need for supper.

Since neither of us were hungry, he made a trip to Victorio’s for a burrito, Lydia had some stuff he had in his cooler, and I ate the popcorn Lydia brought home from the movie she went to last night.

Speaking of the movie, she didn’t get home until almost midnight. Max and I stayed up until she was safely home then we went to bed. I fell asleep without having to read my book. That doesn’t happen often but then, I don’t normally stay up until midnight. Maybe I should practice.

Oh ya. I took the steri strips off the new scar on my right cheek. It looks gnarly but nothing leaked out so I wasn’t too concerned that I’d stain my pillowcase. It didn’t and I didn’t so all is good. I won’t have to wash sheets and remake the bed.

Now I’m going to go get in it, right after I take Max outside one more time.

Love you

Letters to Diane – 9

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Hi,

There’s a lot of stuff going on that’s getting my head in a spin. Some of it’s legal and some of it’s common sense. Mainly, I registered your Death Certificate with the tax people so we can remove your name from the house deeds. All I have to do, now, is figure out how to complete the deeds.

An interesting point is that Don’s Rental is where one must get blank deeds and you have to know which kind you need. They can’t provide any legal guidance because they have no legal authority to do so. So, for $11.95 you get a blank form that they cannot help you fill out. I’ll bet Jennie can help with that. Whoever helps, we’ll get it done so that when it’s my turn to follow you no one will have no problem with the courts for the transfer of the property to our children.

I did very little yesterday (Monday) because it was Bunco night. For the past umpteen years I’ve kept Special Mondays, like Bunco Night, clear so I can watch movies. Or watch a ball game. Or sleep.

I guess that’s a weak claim because I do that pretty much what I do every day. So, like you did once a month, Lydia went to Shirley’s house for bunco last night. I have no memory of what I watched last night. I just remember that I went to bed at a reasonable hour because I had an appointment with my dermatologist today at 0820. That early time meant I had to leave home about 0720.

I talked this need over with Lydia, who considers 3-4 hours of sleep a good night, to see if she would like to go with. Always up for a challenge, she agreed, and we decided we would take her car, and she would drive. That worked for me just right. I think she agreed to all of that because she loves me. I’m grateful for that.

Having that extra hour for travel allowed us to get to the office in plenty of time. After checking in, it was only a matter of minutes before I was led to a room where the surgery would take place. I made myself comfortable and took off all my clothes to await the doctor and her knife.

The look on everyone’s face made me regret my decision to disrobe because the surgery was on my cheek so disrobing was entirely unnecessary. So, I got dressed and sat in the chair to wait.

Halley was the doctor’s assistant and I was a little displeased that she didn’t point out that I could keep my clothes on. Thank goodness I wore underwear today. Then she stabbed me in the cheek with a tiny needle and rendered the desired spot on my check dead to the world.

Not long after that, the doctor showed up and wielded her knife in a professional manner to excise a nifty oval where a huge wart used to live. It was gone already because it was taken to run a biopsy prior to scheduling today’s surgery.

It’s a big hole, but she sewed it up.

In a couple of years you won’t even know this happened.

Now I’m going to stop this before things get out of hand. Good Night, my Love. See you in my dreams.

Jerrie

Letters to Diane – 8

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OK, today you got to me big time. Some PT Cruiser friends came to visit me. A small group consisting of Rick many dozens of businesses you’ve visited over the years. There are lots of them. I went through your email list and unsubscribed them one at a time until my fingers got tired. Then I decided to clean up the applications you no longer need. I didn’t get many done, and I fiddled with just resetting the phone to back to zero, or new out of the box for a new user.

As I looked at the list I quickly came across your Notes app and was reminded of the turmoil I caused that last time I messed with that one. Instead of moving on, I opened it to see what you had on your list.

There are 311 items on your list. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by your last entry on October 15th.

“Remember: You’ll be in my Heart”

I was stunned. You hid this little Gem knowing I would eventually get around to your phone to do exactly what I was doing. As I pondered your message it became clear to me that you were resigned to your fate, to exit this mortal coil long before you should have.

You never said a word about how much pain you were experiencing and I wasn’t able to comprehend what you were enduring. That you were thinking of me at this low point in your life is very meaningful to me and I thank you for that. That sounds like a very simplistic response to the profound message you left for me.

You will always be in my heart, to. You’ve been there since you were 14.

You knew I’d eventually get around to the phone, didn’t you?

Letters to Diane – 7

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Hi Hon. Been thinking about you non-stop and adding that a chance to look you in the eyes would be nice. Not likely, I know, but I can wish.

Each day I encounter more evidence about how brave you are. First was a short discussion with Jennifer about a talk you had with the doctor on, or about, October 21st when he asked if you wanted to consider the suicide departure if the liver biopsy wasn’t encouraging. It’s my understanding that you vetoed that option. That just wasn’t you at all. You’re a fighter even when the odds were so drastically against you. I can only thank you for enduring the pain because I’m not sure how I would have reacted if suicide had been your choice.

Then, today, Carolann called to check on me and we had nice visit. She reminded me that we have a date on the 21st at Simms in Scappoose. We’ll, of course, be talking about you in that venue. The last time we were there, as I recall, was with this same group. It’s been a while, but I think I’m right.

What I learned from Carolann was a conversation she had with you at some point before all the turmoil started with the hospital visits. She said you shared that you didn’t want to “linger” which, you thought, would cause more turmoil in the family. You wanted to fight your way through this, and you knew it early on.

Because of that I’m more in awe of your will to endure whatever cancer could throw at you. Although there was no hope for a recovery, you gave it all you had, and then some.

I’m gushing, I know. But I’m so proud of you, I can’t help myself. For those of us who remain, you gave us a life lesson in how to deal with tragedy head on with dignity.

Going forward, I’m going to bask in the knowledge that of all the choices you could have made, you chose me. I loved every second of it.

Letters to Diane – 4

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It’s Sunday morning. The house is unusually quiet but it’s a welcome peacefulness The busy day we had yesterday was one of the hardest days of our lives, but we endured.

First, the simple act of waking up was tough knowing what the rest of the day held i store for us. You’re gone from us, but you are still very much alive within us. That was made evident by the people who showed up for your service yesterday. I don’t think anyone counted them. It wasn’t necessary. The church was full of people who love you and that was good.

There were very few people that I didn’t recognize but they filled in my memory gaps as they passed out of the church. Your Bunco Babes were there, as well as the PT Cruisers, and the Old Winnowbago Guys. I can’t categorize all the groups who were there right now, but the final view I had was a large group of folks who love you. The affiliation wasn’t as important as their presence.

After Pastor Ingrid got the service going our brave daughter made her way to the lectern and shared her memories of you. She was very brave and has assumed the matriarchal duties of our family with style. She really good at it. I know you already know this, but it still has to be said.

After Jennie, I found myself standing at the lectern, totally unprepared for the reason I was there. I had a couple pages of notes, but they just didn’t seem adequate enough for me to share my feelings about you. So, being true to myself, and you, I just winged it. Unless someone was recording my efforts those words are lost because I have no idea what I said. I rest comfortably, however, in the belief that let everyone know how important you are to me and pretty much everyone who’s heart you touched.

No matter where I go, I see and I feel the comfort of your touch beside me. As we walk, it’s so easy to feel our hands find each other and clasp together like we’ve done so many times before.

From the serious side of things, my mind wanders off to inappropriate areas where I asked Lydia if it’s too soon to start dating again. When I said that I was amazed about how wide she can open her eyes before realizing I was kidding, something I do a lot. It’s a defense mechanism and it changes the atmosphere very quickly.

As I continue to walk aimlessly through the remainder of my life I will be on alert for your touch.

I Love You.

Friday – Biopsy Reveal

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Finally! It’s Friday and Jennie took Diane to see her doctor to find out what she’s facing. This is where you should hear a drum roll, right? Well, that didn’t happen.

They got to the doctor in plenty of time but the biopsy wasn’t there, yet. So close to an answer but there wasn’t one.

But, the doctor began working on a solution to Diane’s headache issue and a new one that just popped up yesterday: she has numbness in her lower left jaw. The doctor found suspicious bumps on Diane’s forehead so ordered up an MRI with the hope it could be done today, like right away, then he left for a meeting with another doctor about something. While he was gone the biopsy appeared and the MRI was scheduled for next Monday.

When the doctor returned, he read the biopsy report and relayed that there’s more to come on that bit of news. He did, however, let our girls know that what he saw was not all bad news. Considering all the negative info we’ve received to this point, that was actually good news.

Then they came back home.

Crafty Jennifer got on her phone and started dissecting the info she found in the report provided so far. She explained it to me and Jeff but it was tricky territory with a lot of big confusing words that only she could understand. It was still mostly confusing when she switched the big words with normal ones.

I’ll do my best to share what I think I understand with the understanding that I’ve got a lot to learn about cancer and the language and terms used to describe it. OK?

The purpose of the biopsy was to discover the point of origin. As best as Jennie could tell, it looks like they were unable to determine the specific origin so gave it an acronym name. Digging further, Jennie went on to cancer defined in that manner is very rare and could have laid dormant in her body for decades before waking up. This bit of knowledge swiveled our heads back to 1977 when cancer visited Diane the first time. That one was believed to have been completely eradicated when they pretty much removed all her girl parts. Maybe they didn’t.

So now, we wait some more until Diane’s doctor receives all the info about what’s going on. During that waiting period she’ll have her MRI and the Doc will analyze it.

The really sad part about all this waiting is that she’s suffering a great deal of pain and can hardly eat anything without severe nausea. The battle continues with no defined plan about how to win.

So, if you pray, please add Diane to your list. We can use all the help we can get.

If you have a notion, send her a few words of encouragement by responding to this post. She reads it.

Thanks.