For a lack of anything better to share, I’m giving you a preview of my short story about the history of everything. It’s stupid and obviously make believe and it’s bound to upset more than a few folks. If you’re one of them, I’m sorry.

In The Beginning: the real story

Disclaimer:

“Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, ligula suspendisse nulla pretium, rhoncus tempor placerat fermentum, enim integer ad vestibulum volutpat. Nisl rhoncus turpis est, vel elit, congue wisi enim nunc ultricies sit, magna tincidunt.” -Author Unknown

I have it on good authority that the above statement is absolutely meaningless. I looked it up. It’s simply a place holder in a template and we’re supposed to replace it with something of value. I kinda like the way it looks, however, and it goes right along with what you are about to read, if you continue. The following pages are pure fabrication, snatched from my caffeine agitated brain. Please, do not believe any of it. Also, please don’t take offense at anything you read and remember that you have the option of stopping at any time you wish. I mean, being upset about something that’s already proclaimed to be false, is like getting upset with an NBA referee for making an obviously inaccurate call against your favorite team. It happened, and you can’t take it back. Move on and get over it. There will be a makeup call on the next possession.

Preface 

Since there’s so much turmoil between various religions about who’s the messiah, if there’s a messiah, if the messiah is coming back, if the true religion is Jewish, Christianity, Muslim, Islam, Buddhism, The Church of Elvis … or Whatever … I thought it’s about time I set everyone straight on what really happened, and what’s going on now, and what you can look forward to.

So, here goes … and remember, this is just pretend.

 Ich mein nogginshakin mitt smackinhappy noddinupndown

 Chapter 1: Kablooey!

There was a great light that lit up the universe and would have caused blindness had there been any people. But there weren’t any. It would have gone totally unnoticed had not someone made a note of the event so it could be shared at some time in the future. Since everything began with God, He must be the one who took notes. All the writings I’ve read report that when God spoke He referred to Himself as Us causing one to think there was more than one spirit involved, even in the beginning. Either that, or God is the father of multiple personalities.

Anyway …

The light was caused by an explosion of a very small amount of cosmic matter that, purportedly, God had in his pocket. To him it would be like lint is to us. He reached in to pull out change so he could get a copy of the Daily Heavenly Review, and saw the lint pinched between the two coins he’d extracted. After picking it out, he set us free by flicking it away from him, into the rarefied air of his domain.

Time is a subjective “thing” that changes with perspective. To us, God moves in super duper slow motion, so slow He doesn’t appear to move at all to us. For us it’s a frantic voyage. Consequently, what to some was the “Big Bang”, was to God  a bit of lint that, when propelled into the “void”, fell apart, scattering particles in all directions. Since that moment in time, “our Universe” has been nudged by unseen breezes, like dust motes, sometimes rising, but mostly falling, toward the floor of God’s living room. If we’re lucky, God’s environmental system will suck us into his air filter and blow us into another room then we can float from room to room in God’s mansion. Some folks think the air return on God’s A/C is a black hole, and the quick trip through the filtration system is a design that moves “things” to another time in space. That’s true, it does exactly that.

As the lint floated, God took notice, and things began to happen. There are six rather long, well documented naps,  interspersed with periods of alert activity on His part.

Life on earth evolved in many forms. Some of them are being talked about to this day. Like neanderthals, and things like that. Also, Mastodons, saber tooth tigers, a bunch of different kinds of dinosaurs, and bugs galore.

About a bazillion years later, the guessing began as to our origins and whether or not we humans are the result of creation, or if we’re related to salamanders, or if we’re a little bit of both.

Here’s what really happened …

OK – that’s enough for now. Perhaps that’s enough “forever” for the majority who stumble upon this. Perhaps I’ll finish this one day.