Life Lessons

Today I learned a couple of new things. Being old, I thought that wasn’t possible but, whattayouknow!? Right out of the blue, something new inspired me. It was a simple thing, too. It was this … no, wait … first, I must relate what led up to this momentous learning event.

In an effort to reclaim some control over the lower porch area, and remove all those “things” from the yard, I attained a vertical position around 1030 after my morning nap. I was up at 0537 for the dogs, but their main focus was getting their moist food. They exited the premises, as did the cat, but they returned within a couple of minutes with ‘that look’ on their faces.

Once vertical, I forced myself to eat breakfast – coffee and Cheerios with a dollop of brown sugar. I put brown sugar on all my cereal. It’s really, really good. Just a teaspoon full does it for me.

After breakfast it was time to make a decision about today’s task and that wasn’t easy because I have this HUGE list that Diane helped me with that goes from ‘A’ to ‘AM’. Some things are crossed off, and most of them pertain to the old RV, but today I chose to remove a bush that’s been bugging me for a long time. It wasn’t on the list, but Diane agreed it was a good idea. The reason is that the bush was in the unenviable position of being in the exact location where we decided to erect a lean-to to shelter the lawn mower and other assorted lawn tools, and other ‘stuff’, from the ravages of winter, and rain.

This bush is a particularly nasty busy because it’s branches grow out a ways, make a right turn every once in a while, intertwining with the other branches. It also has nasty thorns that has, in the past, breached my watertight integrity by viciously puncturing various parts of my body. It was only a matter of seconds before I regained my watertight status because my blood clots quickly, but they hurt. Recalling this previous learning opportunity might make you wonder why, today, I didn’t wear shoes, long pants, and long sleeves. The reason is because today it was very hot and I find it particularly difficult to remove t-shirts that are soggy from either a contest, or from sweat.

After a long, careful battle I have the bush trimmed down to a stump that is hanging on tenaciously to the ground for all its might. It just won’t let go even though it knows I’m going to win. It did win the battle today, but it will not win the war. I’m going back out there tomorrow morning, early, when it’s cool, and I’ll show it a thing or two about tenacity.

I’m getting ahead of myself because my life lesson happened just before lunch. Diane wished to watch one of the many programs we have recorded on the DVR which means we get to eat sitting on the reclining couch. Since I was sweaty and not wanting to offend by overpowering the wonderful lunch Diane prepared, I retired to the bathroom where I removed my soggy shirt, dried myself off as best I could, reached for my deodorant and, in a brief moment of clarity, decided it would be a good idea to just speed things up a little and spray a bit of cologne in my armpits instead. Herein lies the lesson … it’s extremely painful to do this, in case you’ve had the urge yourselves, unless you have some bottled kind of spray made for tender armpits. As it was, I was temporarily paralyzed, wondering what I could do to make it stop. I first wiped them down with cold water, which worked momentarily, then added a bit of soap to the mix, and scrubbed them. That seemed to work well enough to bring the pain down to a tolerable level where I could join Diane for lunch. I survived! And I will never do that again, for sure, unless I forget this lesson. Maybe I should put a sticky on the offending bottle of cologne with a warning. Maybe it’s already there in that teeny tiny font that no one can read.

So, if you made it this far, REMEMBER. DO NOT spray cologne in your armpits when you are really, really sweaty. The chemical reaction produced is memorable. I can only believe this is an affliction that only affects people who do not shave their armpits. I was tempted to experiment, but thought it might be something one of you shavers would like to do for all of us who are wondering. Just get sweaty and give the pits a little spritz of man cologne and let us know what happens. Diane won’t do it.

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