Yesterday is a little blurry because I apparently didn’t do anything to make it worthy of a place in my memory. Perhaps something will pop up in my mind if I just type aimlessly. Let me get going with today’s activity.
Jennie had a meeting with her team from school this afternoon so I got to keep Siah for a while. We got along great because we watched a couple of really silly movies.
After a while, Autumn dropped Jasper off and things went fine. By the time Jennie got here they were both tired and hungry so it didn’t take long for them to get upset.
Jennie ordered McDonald’s for them to take care of the hungry part, but as time moved on the lack of naps got the best of them. Neither of them could sit still long enough to properly eat their dinner and neither of them wanted to listen to Mom. So, I injected myself into the fray. That didn’t please them, but they kinda listened to me. If you were watching us, I’m guessing you are proud of the way I kept my cool. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
I finally made it to Thursday coffee with the guys at the Kozy. Larry and Chuck were there and we had a good visit. Since I’ve missed so many, I bought the drinks. I also ate breakfast. You should be happy about that. I had one sausage patty, one egg, and one piece of toast. White, non-nutritional toast, of course. That was my second breakfast because I had a bowl of cheerios before leaving the house.
After I got home from the Kozy I took Max for an extra long walk. He appreciated it, I know.
Now it’s 2030, Lydia is safely home, and Jennie got the littles home to bed. All is well.
OK, today you got to me big time. Some PT Cruiser friends came to visit me. A small group consisting of Rick many dozens of businesses you’ve visited over the years. There are lots of them. I went through your email list and unsubscribed them one at a time until my fingers got tired. Then I decided to clean up the applications you no longer need. I didn’t get many done, and I fiddled with just resetting the phone to back to zero, or new out of the box for a new user.
As I looked at the list I quickly came across your Notes app and was reminded of the turmoil I caused that last time I messed with that one. Instead of moving on, I opened it to see what you had on your list.
There are 311 items on your list. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by your last entry on October 15th.
“Remember: You’ll be in my Heart”
I was stunned. You hid this little Gem knowing I would eventually get around to your phone to do exactly what I was doing. As I pondered your message it became clear to me that you were resigned to your fate, to exit this mortal coil long before you should have.
You never said a word about how much pain you were experiencing and I wasn’t able to comprehend what you were enduring. That you were thinking of me at this low point in your life is very meaningful to me and I thank you for that. That sounds like a very simplistic response to the profound message you left for me.
You will always be in my heart, to. You’ve been there since you were 14.
You knew I’d eventually get around to the phone, didn’t you?
Hi Hon. Been thinking about you non-stop and adding that a chance to look you in the eyes would be nice. Not likely, I know, but I can wish.
Each day I encounter more evidence about how brave you are. First was a short discussion with Jennifer about a talk you had with the doctor on, or about, October 21st when he asked if you wanted to consider the suicide departure if the liver biopsy wasn’t encouraging. It’s my understanding that you vetoed that option. That just wasn’t you at all. You’re a fighter even when the odds were so drastically against you. I can only thank you for enduring the pain because I’m not sure how I would have reacted if suicide had been your choice.
Then, today, Carolann called to check on me and we had nice visit. She reminded me that we have a date on the 21st at Simms in Scappoose. We’ll, of course, be talking about you in that venue. The last time we were there, as I recall, was with this same group. It’s been a while, but I think I’m right.
What I learned from Carolann was a conversation she had with you at some point before all the turmoil started with the hospital visits. She said you shared that you didn’t want to “linger” which, you thought, would cause more turmoil in the family. You wanted to fight your way through this, and you knew it early on.
Because of that I’m more in awe of your will to endure whatever cancer could throw at you. Although there was no hope for a recovery, you gave it all you had, and then some.
I’m gushing, I know. But I’m so proud of you, I can’t help myself. For those of us who remain, you gave us a life lesson in how to deal with tragedy head on with dignity.
Going forward, I’m going to bask in the knowledge that of all the choices you could have made, you chose me. I loved every second of it.
After I closed out the previous letter, I realized that I failed to mention our success with Halloween visitors. Jennie provided a huge bowl of candy because it never occurred to me that we’d need any. It’s good that she did because we had lots of visitors. The “Littles” of course, and Baylee showed up, too. It was good to see them all. I let kids take hands full to see what would happen and most of them were polite and not greedy. One of them said, “I’ll just take one,” and he did. I was impressed.
Today is November 6th which means I’ve failed miserably with my desire to write one letter a day. Maybe when things calm down a bit after Saturday I can get back on track. At this point in time I’m just wandering around in a fog with no clear destination in site.
This entire week, so far, has been filled with sitting in the living room, Lydia by my side, watching some really questionable movies and eating. People keep bringing us food so eating is a must. Movies make time pass.
Today we are going to Costco for things Jennie needs. She’s been busy building a photo board of Diane. We have tons of photos for her and she keeps ordering more from Walgreens.
Yesterday a small package showed up in the mail addressed to Diane. Unless Amazon is available in Heaven this was obviously something that was backordered. She will be happy to learn that it arrived.
It’s been raining most of the time which suits my mood just right. I’m not as sad as I think I should be and that bothers me. I say I’m not lonely because Lydia is with me every day, but I am.
I trust things will get better with time.
it is now 1406 and Lydia and I successfully returned from our shopping trip to Costco. I’m happy to report that I didn’t run into anything going or coming. That’s the furthest I”ve driven the truck in a couple of years. I’m real proud of myself, I am. The only thing extra I got was a jar of cashews. Everything else was on Jennie’s list.
I miss you. Today is Halloween and I was really counting on you to be here to hand out candy to all the kids. Now that you’re gone I guess I should step up and do it. It would be pretty horrible if some kids made it down the street with getting candy from our house.
“Where,” you might ask, “did you get candy?”
Well, I didn’t get it. Jennie did. She’s been taking care of everything since you left us. Watching you die kinda put me in a tizzy and I was pretty useless for a few days. It’s been a week now and with Jennie’s help I’ve become more human, and even a bit useful. That’s what Lydia tells me. She’s living with me now. The family thinks someone should be close to me in case I hurt myself like I’ve been known to do.
Jennie has also arranged your service for November 11th at Bethany. There will be many people there, we’re sure. Jennie’s first guess was 100 guests, but there will be more. I’ll give you the count on November 9th, after the service.
I kinda wished you had made a will. Everything will be OK in the end, but it would have been a bit easier if we had a will from you. You no longer need to worry about it unless you have a way of getting information from beyond. I don’t know if what I send into the cloud reaches you for approval, so we’re really in the same boat with regard to the communication issue. But, I’ll keep sending these notes to you simply based on faith. If nothing else, I’ll benefit from the therapy I get from talking with you.
Good nite, my love. I trust you are well in the arms of God.
We made it through the weekend ok, but it wasn’t as good as the days she spent in the hospital. Being surrounded by busy nurses, day and night, has its advantages over a tired old man. Honestly, the tired old man has the unselfish help of his children to make the right choices, or to do the tasks for him.
Mostly, my job was to ensure Diane got oxygen when she needs it and feed her when she gets hungry. Since she‘s eating like a sparrow, it’s a pretty simple job. consequently, since she’s eating less, so do I.
This morning Jennifer showed up right at 7am to transport her Mom to Good Sam for the biopsy procedure. That left me, all alone, with a list of things to do while alone. Not one of the items on my list referred to me taking a nap, but that’s what I did.
Normally, I take directions pretty well, but my head isn’t working very well lately.
For this day I only forgot to do two things – replace light bulbs in the bathroom and give Max a bath. Not so bad, right. Sadly, those are the only things on my list so it was a total failure. My only defense is that I had a few other things on my mind.
Jeff came to the house and cleaned out the gutters that have needed attention for a few years. That is another thing that was on a list, once upon a time. Now it’s done. That just goes to show you that if you wait long enough, things get done.
Jennifer returned Diane home early afternoon. She was still a little under the influence of the fentanyl that was used to sedate her for the procedure. They made 4 holes in her abdomen to get the samples they needed. It’s our understanding that the biopsy results will be revealed by her doctor when she visits him next Friday.
There’s a little turmoil regarding Diane’s visit to Good Sam. Today was the day she was supposed to see her primary care, Dr. Ly, and I think she did, but she changed her annual visit from today to next week. I suspect that’s so he can address the results of her liver biopsy scheduled for next Tuesday.
Before I get too deep into this narrative I need to tell you that what I share is strictly here-say because I don’t spend a lot of time in the room with Diane. That’s not because I don’t want to be there, but because I actually have things to take care of at home. That’s mainly Max oriented.
Speaking of Max … he’s really depressed that Diane isn’t home every day. That’s not normal. He likes ‘normal’.
Jennie took some things to her Mom early this morning and has been with her all day. She’s totally involved with what’s happening with her Mom so if you want the real story, talk to her. She called a while ago to let me know that she wouldn’t be coming home this afternoon as planned (yesterday) because of decisions/suggestions made by the physical therapist(s) she visited. Mainly, she is not to be left alone, ever, and she needs a hospital bed that doesn’t lay flat. This is because of the cancer intrusion into her spine and pelvis. Being alone is a danger because if she falls, something’s going to break.
Normally you’d think Good Old Jerrie could serve that purpose, but because I fall on my face once in a while, I’m not a good candidate to address her needs. I understand.
So, they are keeping her in the hospital until arrangements can be made for her home care team to be identified. Our lives have been changed with the introduction of cancer into our lives.
That brings another thought to my mind. Diane has already had, and beat, cancer about 50 years ago when she had cervical, and uterine cancer. She beat cancer then and has no doubt about beating it again this time.
Your prayers will help. Let’s work to get her home and Max out of his slump. He’s so sad.
I stripped the bed and washed the sheets in anticipation of Diane’s homecoming today before Jennie called to let me know that’s not gonna happen. Max was listening and got really upset.
Because of Max’s exuberant nature, Diane needs to gather all her strength to deal with his welcome home mode. Should be exciting.
8 – number of days remaining until the liver biopsy.
Today is October 4th, so May The Fourth Be With You, My last post, on September 27th, was a little bit optimistic regarding Diane’s energy level, but playing the “Waiting Game” has proven to be a real downer. Her energy levels quickly evaporated while doing the laundry and it’s evident that I need to take the reins regarding that. All she will have to do is “point” and “direct”. One would think I could follow simple rules, right? Well, doing laundry is way more complicated than picking some random dial settings and adding soap to the machine. Consequently, my job shifted from washing to drying and folding. I’m pretty good at that. All I have to do is remember to check the drying once in a while;
Now, about the waiting part . . .
Frankly, it sucks, big time. Diane said the scheduler told her he needed to carve out a 5-hour slot for the procedure. The first one available was on October 14. The reason for the 5 hours is unclear to me but is apparently needed in the event Diane hemorrhages if she moves too much after the procedure. That’s all I know. Then, there’s something about the need for her to set aside some of her extra blood in case that happens,
It’s entirely possible that I know nothing about that which I report. Yeah, that’s more likely to be true. So, let’s presume that I know nothing. I suspect the majority of those who read this already have that presumption. That’s OK. I even encourage that.
Today was a milestone of note for Diane. She ate an entire hamburger! Honest. she also ate some french fries. If she can repeat that fairly often, she will improve quickly and work on beating some odds. That doesn’t surprise me at all because she’s already said, “We’ll beat this!”. We’re working on that.
Today’s the day. I’m alone in the surgery waiting room, waiting for my turn to go sit with Diane while she waits in another room down the hallway. Jennie is with her right now. What we’re all waiting for is 1500, when the surgery is supposed to happen. Right now it’s 1300, so we have two hours to go before the procedure begins.
We left the house at 1100. Jennie drove Mom’s car because Diane doesn’t really trust me much on the road any more. I suggested she might consider having my driver’s license revoked although I do come in handy for making short trips to a store for various reasons. Other than that, my usefulness regarding transportation is about zero since Diane does it all.
On our last trip she piloted the pickup everywhere we went. All I had to do was park it when we arrived, unhook the trailer when we stopped for multiple days, and hook it back up again when it was time to leave. Since we decided to sell the trailer, that means the truck can go, too. Then all she has to do is figure out how to drive the bus.
I’m really not alone in the waiting room. There are other folks scattered around the room, but we don’t talk. That’s OK. Talking to strangers isn’t what interests me at this time.
Since I’m under strict orders to mind my diet, I chose to go eat lunch around 1500. Jennie will join me after Diane takes Diane to the operating room. By the time she got to me, I was done eating, so I just kept her company while she ate her soup. It was pretty hot stuff and she burned various parts of her mouth by testing it to see if it was ready to eat. She finally got it down. Then we mosied beach to the original waiting room to await the end of surgery and recovery. I sent Jennie in to be with her in recovery but I was tricked when she asked for my presence. I was happy to go because I had seen for only a few minutes this day and I missed her.
She was way perkier that I thought she would be. Surgery isn’t one of her favorite activities. She reminded me that anesthesia is what scares her the most, not the actual surgery. That’s a story for another time.
She improved quickly and successfully peed for the nurse. That was the goal for getting out of the hospital. Once that was done I helped her get dressed for her exit, then we headed home. The nurse called the parking valet so he could get the car to the front door so we wouldn’t have to wait. The recovery room crew told me everyone leaves that area in a wheelchair, but she failed to include the part about “patients only.” They didn’t bring me one so I had to walk.
Jennie drove us safely home and Max was ecstatic to see her. Surprisingly, he was gentle with her.
She didn’t stay up long after getting home and Jennie need to gather up her children and get them home. Then it was just me and Diane. I was so very happy she got to come home, as was she.
After she went to bed, around 1900 or so, I stayed up a little longer hoping she would go right to sleep. I don’t know what time it was, but at was ready for bed when I finally called it.
Apparently she went right to sleep because she left a bunch of lights on. I should have checked sooner, right?
Up early due to inability to sleep due to the fact that Diane was unable to sleep due to her damaged back. That sounds complicated, I know, but it really isn’t. Her back isn’t damaged in the normal way because she didn’t fall down. It seems to be related to the medicine she received in Fossil, Oregon that was supposed to help with a bacterial infection she sprung up with. For a while she thought it was just back pain from doing something strenuous. The meds helped for a bit but we were both fooled by her uncanny ability to tolerate pain at a level only professional atheletes can endure and still function quite normally.
She seemed to be getting better as we get closer to home, but her “tough guy” attitude failed causing her to pick a wiser solution that ended with us terminating our last night in The Dalles. Instead, we packed up all our doodads, bit our farewells to Cliff, Susie. Terry, and Carolann and hit the freeway.
You may recognize that his is the first mention of Terry, and Carolann because our traveling partners to this point were Cliff and Susie. Terry, and Carolann joined us in The Dalles to join us in our triumphant re-entry into the Gresham area before venturing on home to St. Helens.
Before leaving last Wednesday morning, I took a long walk with Max, around the parking lot we were using for an RV Park. He was a little confused because he was expecting us to spend one more day on road. I don’t know why he was upset because all he does when we’re driving is sleep.
Diane did ALL of the driving on this trip. She insisted and I wasn’t inclined to argue about it. My job was to get the trailer parked at every RV Park we visited. She did all the rest, and she did it in an excellent manner.
It was good to get home, even though we enjoyed the trip. We made more memories, and none of them were the result of me falling on my face again. The last time that happened was on August 30th. Since then all the wounds healed, the scabs all fell off, and I didn’t even get a small bruise from the trama I suffered. I found that lack of bruising to be unfair. Most people who take a blow to the nose usually get black eyes. Not me. I attribute that to the fact that I have O+ blood. I’m pretty sure I shared this photo already but it’s worth another look.
Once home, Diane got to talk with Dr. Ly, her favorite, and he started her on a path that ultimately led us to the emergency room at Good Sam Hospital. They poked and prodded her, took anothe Cat Scan and ordered more internal pictures for them to study.
There’s one more trip to the hospital next week for the additional internal photos before they can identify what’s going on. They sent us home with a script for Oxy (which she won’t take), and something else for something I can’t pronounce.
My job, until next week, is to keep her from going crazy with laundry, emptying the trailer, and getting everything off all the counters and tables – all the stuff I brought in from the trailer. I got it pretty much emptied yesterday. It wasn’t her choice for me to scatter the stuff all over the house, but I was resolute to keep her from interfering with my methods of dispursing all the bags I filled. There’s a bunch of stuff I left on the patio, and even more that I added to the overflowing garage.
Temporary Sanity ... 