Category Archives: Opinions

Letters to Diane – 4

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It’s Sunday morning. The house is unusually quiet but it’s a welcome peacefulness The busy day we had yesterday was one of the hardest days of our lives, but we endured.

First, the simple act of waking up was tough knowing what the rest of the day held i store for us. You’re gone from us, but you are still very much alive within us. That was made evident by the people who showed up for your service yesterday. I don’t think anyone counted them. It wasn’t necessary. The church was full of people who love you and that was good.

There were very few people that I didn’t recognize but they filled in my memory gaps as they passed out of the church. Your Bunco Babes were there, as well as the PT Cruisers, and the Old Winnowbago Guys. I can’t categorize all the groups who were there right now, but the final view I had was a large group of folks who love you. The affiliation wasn’t as important as their presence.

After Pastor Ingrid got the service going our brave daughter made her way to the lectern and shared her memories of you. She was very brave and has assumed the matriarchal duties of our family with style. She really good at it. I know you already know this, but it still has to be said.

After Jennie, I found myself standing at the lectern, totally unprepared for the reason I was there. I had a couple pages of notes, but they just didn’t seem adequate enough for me to share my feelings about you. So, being true to myself, and you, I just winged it. Unless someone was recording my efforts those words are lost because I have no idea what I said. I rest comfortably, however, in the belief that let everyone know how important you are to me and pretty much everyone who’s heart you touched.

No matter where I go, I see and I feel the comfort of your touch beside me. As we walk, it’s so easy to feel our hands find each other and clasp together like we’ve done so many times before.

From the serious side of things, my mind wanders off to inappropriate areas where I asked Lydia if it’s too soon to start dating again. When I said that I was amazed about how wide she can open her eyes before realizing I was kidding, something I do a lot. It’s a defense mechanism and it changes the atmosphere very quickly.

As I continue to walk aimlessly through the remainder of my life I will be on alert for your touch.

I Love You.

Letters to Diane – 3

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After I closed out the previous letter, I realized that I failed to mention our success with Halloween visitors. Jennie provided a huge bowl of candy because it never occurred to me that we’d need any. It’s good that she did because we had lots of visitors. The “Littles” of course, and Baylee showed up, too. It was good to see them all. I let kids take hands full to see what would happen and most of them were polite and not greedy. One of them said, “I’ll just take one,” and he did. I was impressed.

Today is November 6th which means I’ve failed miserably with my desire to write one letter a day. Maybe when things calm down a bit after Saturday I can get back on track. At this point in time I’m just wandering around in a fog with no clear destination in site.

This entire week, so far, has been filled with sitting in the living room, Lydia by my side, watching some really questionable movies and eating. People keep bringing us food so eating is a must. Movies make time pass.

Today we are going to Costco for things Jennie needs. She’s been busy building a photo board of Diane. We have tons of photos for her and she keeps ordering more from Walgreens.

Yesterday a small package showed up in the mail addressed to Diane. Unless Amazon is available in Heaven this was obviously something that was backordered. She will be happy to learn that it arrived.

It’s been raining most of the time which suits my mood just right. I’m not as sad as I think I should be and that bothers me. I say I’m not lonely because Lydia is with me every day, but I am.

I trust things will get better with time.

it is now 1406 and Lydia and I successfully returned from our shopping trip to Costco. I’m happy to report that I didn’t run into anything going or coming. That’s the furthest I”ve driven the truck in a couple of years. I’m real proud of myself, I am. The only thing extra I got was a jar of cashews. Everything else was on Jennie’s list.

That’s enough for today.

Letters to Diane – 2

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Hello, my Love. It’s Saturday here and football games rule the airways. Since no team playing interests, me, I just skip around channels, avoiding commercials. Keeps me entertained. You wouldn’t like any of them, except the Oregon Beavers. You have it set to record. I watched it for you and they won. It was their second win of the season. They aren’t doing very well.

It’s been raining hard lately but the creek still hasn’t gone up much. I keep expecting it to at least get up around the big boulders along the bank, but it doesn’t.

Having Lydia live with me was a great idea. Max thinks so, too. She sits in your chair so it’s very comforting for me, almost like you’re still here. We even watch the kind of movies you like, like spy stuff, and women who do well in bar fights. We watch a movie every evening.

Your memorial will be next Thursday, November 8th at 1100. Jennie has everything planned. The only thing left is your eulogy. I tried to write one but wound up telling a story about your life with me in the Navy.

I’m kinda stuck here so will quit for today.

I love you and miss you. I’d be very happy if you could figure out a way to send me responses so I can ask specific questions. Like, where did you put all the hot pads? Stuff like that.

Ok. Gonna go.

Letters to Diane – 1

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I miss you. Today is Halloween and I was really counting on you to be here to hand out candy to all the kids. Now that you’re gone I guess I should step up and do it. It would be pretty horrible if some kids made it down the street with getting candy from our house.

“Where,” you might ask, “did you get candy?”

Well, I didn’t get it. Jennie did. She’s been taking care of everything since you left us. Watching you die kinda put me in a tizzy and I was pretty useless for a few days. It’s been a week now and with Jennie’s help I’ve become more human, and even a bit useful. That’s what Lydia tells me. She’s living with me now. The family thinks someone should be close to me in case I hurt myself like I’ve been known to do.

Jennie has also arranged your service for November 11th at Bethany. There will be many people there, we’re sure. Jennie’s first guess was 100 guests, but there will be more. I’ll give you the count on November 9th, after the service.

I kinda wished you had made a will. Everything will be OK in the end, but it would have been a bit easier if we had a will from you. You no longer need to worry about it unless you have a way of getting information from beyond. I don’t know if what I send into the cloud reaches you for approval, so we’re really in the same boat with regard to the communication issue. But, I’ll keep sending these notes to you simply based on faith. If nothing else, I’ll benefit from the therapy I get from talking with you.

Good nite, my love. I trust you are well in the arms of God.

Diane is gone

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She left us at 3:15 pm on Friday the 24th surrounded by family. We were all talking at once and I suspect she just got tired of all the noise. Oddly enough, all of us turned our eyes to her just as she took her last breath. She didn’t make a sound, she just left.

A very sad time. Even though she’s been gone a few days it’s not real for me yet. It’s like a poem I read about the dearly departed aren’t really gone, they’re just in the next room. There have been many times that I’ve lost track of her in the house and have to go looking for her. Usually she’s busy on her computer trying to get it to do what she wants it to do. Then, once I’ve found her, I go back to doing whatever it was I was doing. Knowing where she is was always important to me.

Lydia is staying with me and we haven’t done much except try to wrap our heads around what happened. She’s not here, but she’s really everywhere. I’m surrounded by her but she’s always just a little ways out of my field of vision. I know she’s there, though.

We’re all very sad she’s gone but knowing she’s no longer suffering helps us.

Diane came home …

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Yesterday was Diane’s last day in the hospital. Jeff and Jennifer made room in our bedroom for her hospital bed, and arranged home hospice care for her arrival. I spent the day with her waiting for 7 pm, the scheduled arrival time for her transport. They finally showed up about 8:30 pm.

Getting on the gurney for the ride was her last surprise because they did the 1-2-3 thing then lifted from the bed and placed her on the gurney. I’m sure it was like a carnival ride for her because her eyes got big on the transfer, then she was almost immediately comfortable as they buckled her up.

We parted ways at elevator #4: they went to the emergency room exit and I went to the main exit. Two days prior I parked in a handicap spot near the front door. It was a long lonely ride to St. Helens.

When I got to the house the medics were just wheeling her up the driveway and there were cars parked everywhere. It was like a long overdue family reunion. Diane was semi aware of all the commotion.

Diane’s bed replaced her recliner, net to mine. This is where she will draw her final breath.

We will all miss her immensely.

Monday – MRI for Diane

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This morning Lydia loaded up her Grandma Diane at 0700 for a planned trip to Good Sam. Diane’s getting an MRI as a step to identify the reason for her constant headaches. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that previously. She had to be there by 0815. They left home with an almost empty tank of OXY. I stayed home to order replacement tanks. O was told that they could provide 15 tanks and I told them to bring ’em. I was also told that she could swap her empty tank at Good Sam for a full one.

While she’s at home she has a plug-in unit that makes oxygen all the time and it haa an adapter connected to her CPAP machine. That’s handy. So, after the tanks are delievered we should be able to drive to the beach and back a couple of time. I know Diane would like that, but that’s an unlikely trip at this stage of our battle.

It’s 0945 now and they are on the way home so I better get busy and straighten things up a little.

Friday – Biopsy Reveal

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Finally! It’s Friday and Jennie took Diane to see her doctor to find out what she’s facing. This is where you should hear a drum roll, right? Well, that didn’t happen.

They got to the doctor in plenty of time but the biopsy wasn’t there, yet. So close to an answer but there wasn’t one.

But, the doctor began working on a solution to Diane’s headache issue and a new one that just popped up yesterday: she has numbness in her lower left jaw. The doctor found suspicious bumps on Diane’s forehead so ordered up an MRI with the hope it could be done today, like right away, then he left for a meeting with another doctor about something. While he was gone the biopsy appeared and the MRI was scheduled for next Monday.

When the doctor returned, he read the biopsy report and relayed that there’s more to come on that bit of news. He did, however, let our girls know that what he saw was not all bad news. Considering all the negative info we’ve received to this point, that was actually good news.

Then they came back home.

Crafty Jennifer got on her phone and started dissecting the info she found in the report provided so far. She explained it to me and Jeff but it was tricky territory with a lot of big confusing words that only she could understand. It was still mostly confusing when she switched the big words with normal ones.

I’ll do my best to share what I think I understand with the understanding that I’ve got a lot to learn about cancer and the language and terms used to describe it. OK?

The purpose of the biopsy was to discover the point of origin. As best as Jennie could tell, it looks like they were unable to determine the specific origin so gave it an acronym name. Digging further, Jennie went on to cancer defined in that manner is very rare and could have laid dormant in her body for decades before waking up. This bit of knowledge swiveled our heads back to 1977 when cancer visited Diane the first time. That one was believed to have been completely eradicated when they pretty much removed all her girl parts. Maybe they didn’t.

So now, we wait some more until Diane’s doctor receives all the info about what’s going on. During that waiting period she’ll have her MRI and the Doc will analyze it.

The really sad part about all this waiting is that she’s suffering a great deal of pain and can hardly eat anything without severe nausea. The battle continues with no defined plan about how to win.

So, if you pray, please add Diane to your list. We can use all the help we can get.

If you have a notion, send her a few words of encouragement by responding to this post. She reads it.

Thanks.

Thursday – One day before Biopsy reveal

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It’s been a rough couple of days for Diane, just like all the other days she’s spent waiting to learn what the next steps will be on this journey. This morning is a little different, though, because on her trip from bed to chair she mentioned that oatmeal sounds good for breakfast. That’s amazing because all she’s eaten for the past month, or so, is a few spoons of yogurt and a random half egg.

Regarding eggs, I’ve tricked her a few times. When she asks for one egg, I’ll whip up 3 of them and make an omelet that we share. Then I fudge her half to make it a little more than 1.5. Sometimes she eats the whole half, but most of the time I wind up eating most of it. But, it works once in a while.

Today she’s still dealing with the pain caused by the biopsy session. The nausea is also an issue. She has pills for all of that. We’ll both be very happy when tomorrow gets here so we can get some answers.

Until then, we’ll sit in our chairs and watch TV. The kids show up randomly which is good.

By now you must be bored so I will stop.

This is how Jeff cleaned our gutters.

It’s Tuesday – Biopsy Day

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We made it through the weekend ok, but it wasn’t as good as the days she spent in the hospital. Being surrounded by busy nurses, day and night, has its advantages over a tired old man. Honestly, the tired old man has the unselfish help of his children to make the right choices, or to do the tasks for him.

Mostly, my job was to ensure Diane got oxygen when she needs it and feed her when she gets hungry. Since she‘s eating like a sparrow, it’s a pretty simple job. consequently, since she’s eating less, so do I.

This morning Jennifer showed up right at 7am to transport her Mom to Good Sam for the biopsy procedure. That left me, all alone, with a list of things to do while alone. Not one of the items on my list referred to me taking a nap, but that’s what I did.

Normally, I take directions pretty well, but my head isn’t working very well lately.

For this day I only forgot to do two things – replace light bulbs in the bathroom and give Max a bath. Not so bad, right. Sadly, those are the only things on my list so it was a total failure. My only defense is that I had a few other things on my mind.

Jeff came to the house and cleaned out the gutters that have needed attention for a few years. That is another thing that was on a list, once upon a time. Now it’s done. That just goes to show you that if you wait long enough, things get done.

Jennifer returned Diane home early afternoon. She was still a little under the influence of the fentanyl that was used to sedate her for the procedure. They made 4 holes in her abdomen to get the samples they needed. It’s our understanding that the biopsy results will be revealed by her doctor when she visits him next Friday.

We’re both very interested to hear the results.

Diane on a better day last September …