Category Archives: Opinions

Gout & Other Terminal Illnesses

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It’s a sad state of affairs when a serious case of life threatening gout settles in ones’ left big toe making it necessary to limp AND use a cane to remain vertical. Yes, I’ve had it before, and survived, but I’m not sure about this time. I’m on day three now so time is short.

The cause, I’m almost positive, is the 3-4 pounds of shrimp surrounded by as many pounds of Zhen’s special lo mien noodles. Understand, I didn’t ask for that much, but that’s what I got and I know better than to upset a Chinese cook.

It took me two days to devour all of it, but I did it. And, it was really good. I must admit that I inflated the amount of shrimp, but not the noodles. This batch or noodles had beef, chicken, pork, and shrimp, unlike the noodles I had two weeks ago that came with only shrimp, with straight shrimp. That batch didn’t bother me at all so I’m thinking that maybe the problem this time is with the beef. Whichever it was, it’s really doing its job this time. Diane’s getting seriously tired of my moaning all the time and keep trying to get me to take some drugs. But, I refuse because I’d rather writhe in pain, on my death bed, my current state, than to get hooked on ibuprofen. No sir, not me.

Actually, the toe is getting better, but I’m not holding my breath for a total cure. But, this afternoon I was able to walk a little further without my cane than I could previously. Walking with a cane is something that should be taught in school with an eye on the future for students who have the prospect of living to an old age because they will need it. Learning when a person is old, and already teetering when vertical, is extremely difficult for some of us.

I thought I had another terminal ailment today, hence the title, but it turned out to be a false alarm. I just had gas. Lots of it.

Christmas Decorations (and other stuff)

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Deer Pipples,

I yam hear to warm you a bout thu coming a cop a lips. Scuse me … the coming a pock a lips. Once ur lips become a pocked, it’s hard to unpock thim. An, with pocked lips not evun ugli pipples wood con sidur play in hossle tonkey with you. No, tossie honkle … honsle tockey … tonsul hockey. Thas it!

OK … that’s really dumb. Something came over me, compelling me to lower myself to provide a true life narrative and it didn’t come out so well.

The day began nicely at 0715 with the sun coming up behind Mt. Hood …

Then Diane and I installed some festive items in our front yard to celebrate the coming Christmas season. Our Mr. Tree, the birch with a face, got garland …

… the dogwood tree got lots of balls, some garland, and a cat …

… and the middle of the yard got two electric deer and an electric tree with blink lights …

It took all morning to get that done so we spent the remainder of the day eating stuff.

During the process of getting this done, adding photos and whatnot, I came to the conclusion that I’d made a terrible mistake by moving from Comcast Blast to CenturyLink SnailPace internet. It took forever to upload the photos causing me internal pressure. Add to that Diane’s dislike for the depleted speed, I deemed it was time to fix it.

So, yesterday I dropped Diane at Wal*Mart and went to Comcast and ordered their Triple Play with the works and it’s going to be installed next Thursday, the 6th. No more lolligagging around waiting for uploads/downloads after that. No sir! It’s going to be lightening fast from then on.

Today I actually got out of my PJs in time to go to coffee with the guys at the Kozy Korner Kafe. Only two others showed up, but we three had a great visit. After that, I went to Diane’s Mom’s house and put Christmas lights in her Japanese maple tree. That was a surprise for Mom because she Diane took her to the doctor this morning in Portland and didn’t return until about 30 minutes ago.

When she got home, Diane rushed around gathering up all the cans of tomatoes she could find to take to 1st Lutheran Church for Community Meals this evening. Today is Bethany Church’s turn to cook and she is making minestroni soup. I offered to help, but all she wants me to do is show up later and help clean up. I’ll get a meal out of it so that’s OK.

Now I’m going to go spray some grout seal on my shower so I can get busy putting it back together. So far this project has only taken me about 1.5 months. Not bad as projects go for me. During this process, I learned that WD-40 removes soap scum from glass. Go figure.

Myanmar Checks In

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I have evidence that there are at least 75 people, in the world from 22 different countries, who made the mistake of looking at my blog. Most of them show restraint and only looked once but there were 17 who looked from Myanmar. I suspect the 17 looks happened because one person found this by mistake and talked to her friend.  Their conversaion probably went something like this …

“Hey Mya, look at this please and tell me what it is this person is trying to say.”

“I’m sure I do not know, Nu,”  Mya responded. “Maybe Than can figure it out. He is such a whiz at this kind of thing.” For clarification, Than is Nu’s boyfriend. Of course I’m guessing … he may be Mya’s boyfriend. Surely he’s someone’s boyfriend.

As a result of that brief conversation, Than contacted 14 of his friends seeking wizdom about what the “crazy American” is bantering about, but none of them knew. Consequently, they never returned. That makes me sad. Again, I’m guessing that they don’t know because I don’t get a lot of feedback from folks who read this either by mistake, or on purpose. Probably no news is good news in that regard.

I’m honored that they visited once, much less 17 times. And I regret that they couldn’t figure out what I was talking about. Now I’ll probably go to bed tonight wondering how I could word things differently so everyone in the world can make sense of what I’m trying to share. I’ll add a request to anyone that comes up with a reasonable answer to please reply because I’ve been wondering myself. For a long time. Diane has been wondering a lot longer than a long time. As soon as she finds the answer I fear she will leave. Therefore, I must keep her guessing, so please play along …

Additionally, 13 from Great Britain, and 9 from Canada checked in, and I appreciate that. There was also one person from Chile who, I think, replied to one of my entries to explain how confused she was about my entry. I think it was about my comparison of Twighlight & Hunger Games. I can’t remember if that was one of my lucid moments, or not. I’ll never know because I rarely read anything I write. Once it leaves my fingers, I’m generally done with it.

Closer to home, Diane’s computer is still giving her fits. I believe I mentioned that yesterday. Tomorrow we’ll find out if it’s the internet, or not, because I’m getting rid of the DSL and going back to cable. I suspect all of you are just thrilled to know this.

The problem, you see, is that cable totally spoiled us because it got to the point where it was so blazing fast it actually burned my fingers. Shifting to DSL was a $$ consideration, but we’ve decided that it was a bad, bad move. Well, Diane decided it was a bad move beause her really old computer just doesn’t function well on DSL. That, and her Hotmail account was hacked, which she thinks is related to the DSL connection. Maybe she’s right. Anyway, it’s a valid reason to switch back to something a little more speedy that will allow us to view a video without having it pause at critical moments during the streaming process.

Today we enjoyed another quiet day visiting with Diane’s Mom, Jean. We did this after church, and a stop at KFC for some dead chicken. The ulterior motive was to view the last two episodes of NCIS which we missed because our DirecTV service was, for an unexplained reason, off the air for a long period of time. Just for selected channels, like the ones we enjoy watching. So, we sat around Mom’s table eating dead chicken, potatoes, gravy and coleslaw, then retired to the living room to see how good she was with her Comcast remote control. Turns out she’s pretty darn good at it.

Now we’re home, and I’m going to watch the last half of “John Carter of Mars” while Diane’s watching one of the 15 HGTV shows she records. Maybe it’s only 10. Either way, I’ll surely be in trouble when she reads this.

Cheers.

Jail Time !

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Diane was released from jail this morning at 0800. I was very thankful because she’s been locked up at the court house all week and the house is getting pretty dirty. I’ve managed to feed myself and it’s not as bad as it could have been because Diane pulled my travelling bib out of the car before she left. The laundry’s piling up, too.

But, shes home, and I’m thankful for that. I actually would have vacuumed but the rule about “using things that plugs in” was invoked prior to her departure, so that was ruled out as a viable activity in her absence. So, I had to make things up.

Since there was a 20% chance of rain yesterday afternoon, I bought some new tarps at ACE so I could adequately cover the motor homes parked out front. I got to see Jack, too, because he was working at the St. Helens store yesterday. It’s always good to see Jack. I was his designated driver after he got off work at 1700 because Wynette had the truck and she was in jail with Diane. Go figure. That was OK because we got to visit for a while and I got some free plants from ACE for Diane. They have a rack out front with a bunch of them on it that they are trying to give away.

This morning, before she was released, Diane called from jail telling me that I would need to get Jack to work by 0800 because she and Wynette were still incarcerated with no release date/time in sight. Since the call came at O-dark-thirty, I had plenty of time to get myself together before making that gruelling, eight mile trip to Scappoose, and back. Getting there isn’t a tough as getting back. That’s because Jack & Wynette live on a road to the west of Highway 30. That means it’s a right turn when heading south. To get home one must make a left turn onto Highway 30, crossing the path of all those insane people who drive from St. Helens to Portland, and from Scappoose to St. Helensa everyday for work. It’s a solid line of vehicles – I was going to say ‘cars’, but most of them are pickup trucks – with very few openings. Since I used to be part of that traffic pattern, heading to Portland, I know that most of them would do pretty much anything to avoid an accident that would cause them to be later for work. This bit of knowledge bolsters me after I’ve waited for a large enough opening, without success, for more than 10 minutes, and causes me to just close my eyes and jump out there. Most of the time I don’t even hear squeeling tires, or horns, because people expect this and, once they are past me, they are more concerned with getting into the left hand lane so they can spend the next 4 miles getting past the two people in front of them who won’t get out of the left lane and, for some dumb reason, are driving the actual speed limit. The nerve…

I got him to work right on time and he gave me another plant from the free rack. Since I was out and about, I went back to Safeway and got some coffee creamer, which I cannot survive without, and four apple fritters. When I got home at 0815 Diane was already there, but she didn’t want a fritter. She wanted bed because while in jail she wasn’t allowed to sleep for approximately 23 hours. The reason she wasn’t allowed to sleep is because here in Columbia County, those in jail during an election are required to count ballots. They do a good job, too, because if they don’t, they lose bathroom priveledges and will be forced to return to count for the next election.

Now she’s home, I’m home, the dogs are fed, the cat is out hunting birds, and I must do really quiet things until she wakes up. That’s why I’m doing this … my keyboard hardly makes any noise at all. The only danger is if I have to lean over to get a pen, or my coffee cup, I may fart. No, there’s no ‘may’ about it, I will fart, and the decibel level is low enough to carry through many doors eliciting the ever joyful, “I heard that”, from the east wing.

We don’t really have an East Wing. We don’t have any wings. We just have normal house rooms. I just like to say we have wings. Our ‘lower 40’ is the back yard, too.

I feel a bit of rowdiness descending on me so I better stop and take a nap so I can remain quiet like a fuzzy little mouse.

Beyond the Storm

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It’s been about five days since the last time I spent time here so you’ll have to forgive me for any errors, and untruths you may notice. There will probably be other stuff, too, but I have no idea what they may be. Only you can tell me, if you want to. And thank you to the 2 people who faithfully check this blog every single day. Bless you.

During that brief time the East Coast was inundated with extreme weather that buried some towns in sand, and swept others away. It was quick. It didn’t seem appropriate, during all this, for me to spout the nonsense that I do. So, I really do have some sense of decency that leaks to the surface once in a while. Probably not as often or as long or as I should.

The good news is that Ruth didn’t lose power throughout the storm. That was quite an astounding thing for a small town in Connecticut. Last I heard her home became a sanctuary for the family in the area that lost their power. I suspect that, had they all lost power, the sanctuary would still be at Ruth’s. That’s just the way it is over there.

Over here, on the left coast, things were incredibly mild as we watched the unfolding drama on the right coast. We feel blessed, and we feel sad at the same time. Very conflicted emotions. It will, however, pass. It always does. Everything gets better, then it gets worse again. It’s all about cycles. We cope.

Thankfully, the up cycles always seem to overshadow the down cycles which is why we are able to continue with our lives. That’s an opinion. Some people don’t cope as well as others because they dwell on the down side. I try not to do that. I try to stay on the plus side of the horizontal axis. Left or right of vertical doesn’t matter as long as it’s positive.

Tomorrow the CenturyLink guy is going to show up and reconnect our old phone number to the house. Yes, we’re returning to a land line. The deciding factor was being able to get the old phone number we had from 1989 thru 2007. Amazing it was available, and that they were willing to give it back, don’t you think? So, after tomorrow, you can enter that number into your address books. I know, I haven’t told you what that number is. Most of you probably don’t really care. And that’s OK. I will communicate the number to those of  you who care in another manner.

This afternoon some Winnebago friends, from the Classic Winnebago Club, to which we belong, to see our new acquisition, the 1973 Indian Winnebago D22. This is going to be a project, but a surprisingly short one, because it’s in very good condition. Terry has already offered to paint it, which it needs because the paint on the top portion of the aluminum siding has turned to powder. I suppose I could just polish the aluminum, but that would make it too shiney. Plus, we’re going to change the blue trim to the classic lime green. Like this …

Perhaps sometime next year it may show up on your door step seeking a power outlet.

Now I’m going to watch a movie … “In Time” … then bed.

Sore Back, Bad Golf, and Blue Lips

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Today a variety of things went on that ultimately resulted in me having a sore back, a high golf score, and blue lips. Let me try to explain …

First, the dogs allowed us to sleep in until after 7 am. I think that’s because they’re used to getting me up when it’s daylight, and it’s getting dark early, and staying dark later in the morning, so their clocks are skewed. I’m not going to tell them about it. As soon as we Fall Back for  daylight saving time, which is really a dumb thing to do, in my opinion, it will mess them up even more. For now, however, I’m going to enjoy the extra sleep time.

Once Diane got up, and I was allowed to make noise, I volunteered to vacuum the main floor of the house. Diane thought that would be a really good idea, and a lot of help, because that would allow her to concentrate her efforts on putting everything together for Jennifer’s Birthday Dinner (JBD), planned for 6pm today. Before firing up the vacuum, however, I made Jennifer a double batch of fantasy fudge without walnuts. Her favorite.

I did the vacuuming and was glad I did it because it gave me the sore back. I would rather have it than for Diane to have it because she has enough back problems as it is. My back wasn’t really terrible … it just had a sore spot that hurt a lot when I moved the wrong way.

After vacuuming, lunch was almost ready. Diane fried the bacon so all I had to do was dredge up my expert culinary talents to create a cheese omelet to accompany the strips of succulent pig fat. I used six eggs to do this so it was a bigun.

While creating this masterpiece, Doug called, inviting me to join him and JP at 1pm for a round of golf. I initially declined thinking I wouldn’t be done with lunch in time, but turns out I can eat pretty fast. Besides, Diane thought it would be a good idea if I went. Might not get to golf again until spring. So I went.

It was chilly to start, but halfway through the sun popped out and it was incredibly beautiful with the sun shining on all those colorful trees. Playing bad golf on a day like this was a good thing. I beat JP by one stroke. I never beat JP even though he’s had both knees replaced and can still hardly get around, and he’s in such terrible pain all the time that I don’t see how he can walk at all. Still, he smacks the ball around nicely. So, it was a treat for me to beat him this one time. I never beat Doug. he makes sure by lying to me when I ask how many strokes he takes. I generally add one to whatever he tells me, but he still beats me. Guess since I’m the scorekeeper I could fudge my score a little, but I have a bit of integrity left. He actually doesn’t lie to me at all. I made that up.

Here’s a panorama picture of the ninth hole, from Hazen Road on the left, to the parking lot on the right.

I got home from golf just in time to shower then go get Diane’s Mom, Jean. The house smelled incredible from all the cooking she did during my absence.

All the kids showed up not long after I got Jean in the house and the noise level picked up a great deal, just like someone turned on a couple of stereos tuned to different stations. It was a joyful noise, however, and it was good.

There were nine of us gathered around the table this evening and we had a terrific dinner of baked ham, scalloped potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn asparagus, dressing, and dinner rolls. This was Jennie’s dinner request. It’s always been one of her favorites.

The dessert was a huge cake that Diane found on the Costco Ding n Dent Cake Cart. It was a bargain and still looked pretty good. And, it tasted really good. Unfortunately for me, Lydia made an addition to the cake with some really blue coloring. I, of course, got the piece with the largest amount of this coloring and wound up with blue lips which Jennifer found very amusing. So, she took a picture. I didn’t know I had blue lips at the time. Once I saw the picture, I thought it was really festive. This might be my new look from now on.

Nice, huh?

After all that food, and the dessert, we all sat down to watch The Middle, which we all enjoy. It’s fun to watch other dysfunctional families interact so we’ll know when we’re all straying off course.

By then it was time to get the kids home because they have school tomorrow. Earlier Lydia retired to the Man Room because she didn’t feel well, so I offered to give her a piggyback ride to the car. Surprisingly, she agreed, and stood on the couch so I could more easily accept her weight. When she climbed aboard, she inadvertently got her hair over the top of my head so I had a real closeup look at how she sees the world.

We worked as a team to open doors, and get to the car where I deposited her in her assigned seat and away they went. I don’t think I’ll be able to these kids many more piggy back rides so this was special.

That’s pretty much the today in a nutshell.

Beauticians vs. Barbers

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I fear I’ve treaded heavily upon some soft spots of decorum by delving into the world of religion and politics. View this as a hasty retreat from that line of thought and consider me neutral. I’m now Switzerland, in position only, of course. I don’t have spare banks into which you can dump your hard earned cash, but I do have a small safe that will hold a modest amount should any of you care to contribute.

That, by the way, isn’t one of those Nigerian scams where someone with bad English wishes to help you claim the millions of dollars his client, your relative, left in his care. He just needs you to confirm your identity, send him a few grand, and he’ll ensure the money is transferred. For a modest fee, of course.

No, that’s not me. This isn’t even a request. It’s simply a suggestion that if you have a bunch of cash laying around and don’t know what to do with it I’ll help you store it until you make up your mind. For a modest fee, of course. I don’t need any kind of personal information from you, either. You can just leave it anonymously in the Wal*Mart newspaper drop box on any Tuesday morning.

Today I must make an appointment with the Apple Doctor for the computer, upon which I’m creating this questionable bit of verbage, as it’s main storage unit has been deemed to have a known flaw and they wish to replace it, free of charge. All I have to do it get it to the doctor. First, however, I must make an appointment with them that does not overlap any currently scheduled appointments. Today, the critical one is Diane’s haircut this morning.

Diane and her Mom, Jean, go together for haircuts about every 5 weeks or so, the same as Ozzie. Actually, Ozzie is the driver here because when his fuzzy hair gets to looking pretty bad, the girls just gather him in and they all march off for their Poodle-Do’s.

Me? I really don’t care if I ever get another haircut but there always comes a point in time when Diane feels I’ve gone long enough without one and parks in front of my barber until I get out of the car. Then she goes shopping while waiting for me.

Most times, about 2 days after their haircuts, they find problems that cause them to question their choice of facilities, and/or, their beautician, and discuss their choices about where to go for the next one. This generally winds up with them making the rounds of all the salons in St. Helens over an 8 month period, winding up with their overall favorite, Tracie. My barber is a beautician, too, but he only charges me $10 for a haircut. Also, he’ll cut anyone’s hair so I’ve suggested, numerous times, that we could all go see him. The drawback for them, however, is that it’s a long process with my barber. He’s not in a hurry, he’s the only barber in the joint, and he has a ton of information to share. And, he doesn’t make appointments. Since his haircuts take about 40 minutes each, consider waiting a while if you are #3. I find it very interesting, however, listening to him share information on pretty much every subject known to mankind. It’s educational, unlike the rumors and gossip shared in normal beauty salons. I know that’s true because I’ve seen lots of TV shows where they do that. You don’t see many people getting their hair cut in barber shops on TV shows nowdays, unless one of them is getting shot.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to shave until next April. Diane will be upset, but my face will stay a bit warmer as the temperatures drop. I may, with increasing marital pressure, cave on this but my current intention is to stand fast and let it grow.

Gotta go and get my work clothes on now. Things to do. While I’m gone, perhaps you can help me solve a mystery that’s been bugging me lately. Well, not just lately, but for a long time now.

Why doesn’t pubic hair turn grey?

In The Beginning

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For a lack of anything better to share, I’m giving you a preview of my short story about the history of everything. It’s stupid and obviously make believe and it’s bound to upset more than a few folks. If you’re one of them, I’m sorry.

In The Beginning: the real story

Disclaimer:

“Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, ligula suspendisse nulla pretium, rhoncus tempor placerat fermentum, enim integer ad vestibulum volutpat. Nisl rhoncus turpis est, vel elit, congue wisi enim nunc ultricies sit, magna tincidunt.” -Author Unknown

I have it on good authority that the above statement is absolutely meaningless. I looked it up. It’s simply a place holder in a template and we’re supposed to replace it with something of value. I kinda like the way it looks, however, and it goes right along with what you are about to read, if you continue. The following pages are pure fabrication, snatched from my caffeine agitated brain. Please, do not believe any of it. Also, please don’t take offense at anything you read and remember that you have the option of stopping at any time you wish. I mean, being upset about something that’s already proclaimed to be false, is like getting upset with an NBA referee for making an obviously inaccurate call against your favorite team. It happened, and you can’t take it back. Move on and get over it. There will be a makeup call on the next possession.

Preface 

Since there’s so much turmoil between various religions about who’s the messiah, if there’s a messiah, if the messiah is coming back, if the true religion is Jewish, Christianity, Muslim, Islam, Buddhism, The Church of Elvis … or Whatever … I thought it’s about time I set everyone straight on what really happened, and what’s going on now, and what you can look forward to.

So, here goes … and remember, this is just pretend.

 Ich mein nogginshakin mitt smackinhappy noddinupndown

 Chapter 1: Kablooey!

There was a great light that lit up the universe and would have caused blindness had there been any people. But there weren’t any. It would have gone totally unnoticed had not someone made a note of the event so it could be shared at some time in the future. Since everything began with God, He must be the one who took notes. All the writings I’ve read report that when God spoke He referred to Himself as Us causing one to think there was more than one spirit involved, even in the beginning. Either that, or God is the father of multiple personalities.

Anyway …

The light was caused by an explosion of a very small amount of cosmic matter that, purportedly, God had in his pocket. To him it would be like lint is to us. He reached in to pull out change so he could get a copy of the Daily Heavenly Review, and saw the lint pinched between the two coins he’d extracted. After picking it out, he set us free by flicking it away from him, into the rarefied air of his domain.

Time is a subjective “thing” that changes with perspective. To us, God moves in super duper slow motion, so slow He doesn’t appear to move at all to us. For us it’s a frantic voyage. Consequently, what to some was the “Big Bang”, was to God  a bit of lint that, when propelled into the “void”, fell apart, scattering particles in all directions. Since that moment in time, “our Universe” has been nudged by unseen breezes, like dust motes, sometimes rising, but mostly falling, toward the floor of God’s living room. If we’re lucky, God’s environmental system will suck us into his air filter and blow us into another room then we can float from room to room in God’s mansion. Some folks think the air return on God’s A/C is a black hole, and the quick trip through the filtration system is a design that moves “things” to another time in space. That’s true, it does exactly that.

As the lint floated, God took notice, and things began to happen. There are six rather long, well documented naps,  interspersed with periods of alert activity on His part.

Life on earth evolved in many forms. Some of them are being talked about to this day. Like neanderthals, and things like that. Also, Mastodons, saber tooth tigers, a bunch of different kinds of dinosaurs, and bugs galore.

About a bazillion years later, the guessing began as to our origins and whether or not we humans are the result of creation, or if we’re related to salamanders, or if we’re a little bit of both.

Here’s what really happened …

OK – that’s enough for now. Perhaps that’s enough “forever” for the majority who stumble upon this. Perhaps I’ll finish this one day.