Medicine Warning Labels

After listening to all the warnings at the end of advertisements for various medicine, I’m concerned that they aren’t nearly comprehensive enough. Many thing are missing and I would like the folks that write all that stuff to consider some of these, which I may or may not have experienced personally.

Don’t take this medication if you are currently in the third hour of a 4-hour erection, plan to urinate but can’t, didn’t plan to urinate but did, have had loose stools for more than a week, have trouble sleeping on the floor, plan to have a heart attack within a week and half of becoming pregnant or impregnating someone.

You should stop taking this medicine if you experience a rapid heart beat while eating peanuts, a sudden urge to insert green grapes in your nose, spontaneous alopecia, aversion to puppies and kittens, the urge to damage yourself with dull butter knives, everything smells like urine, your ears bleed for no reason, your eye brows fall out, or you detect excessive nose hair.

Possible side effects include, but are not limited to possible loss of all curly body hair, extreme fingernail and toenail growth, terminal runny nose, impacted ear wax leading to extemporal vertigo stupendous, regressive genderitis, allergy to underwear, loss of ability to tie shoes due to failure of opposing thumbs.

If you experience any of the indicated symptoms call your medical advisor as soon as they get back from vacation. While waiting, take aspirin.

Dumb? Yes.

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