The Long Road Home and Television Deprivation

It rained last night and got everything wet so we decided it was a good time to pack up everything and go home. So did the other 852,643 people who spent their weekend in Long Beach, Washington for the Rod Run. It was a brutal trip that took almost 5 hours. Normally it only takes about 3 because it’s only, like, 80 miles away.

Initially, it was the crowd going across the Astoria-Megler Bridge which is 4.1 miles long. The link is to the webcam on that bridge. It took us about an hour to cross it, just idling along, using lots of gas. Once across the bridge we stopped to eat some dead chicken in a parking lot, then joined the throngs exiting that Scandinavian hot spot for more hospitable climes to the east. The trip through town was at walking speed, then once through we came to a complete and utter stop for no apparent reason. Traffic kept coming our toward us for the 2.5 hours we crept along, but we remained at a standstill for most of that time. Had it not been for Jennie, who was in Rainier at Lydia’s ball games, which we intended to  attend, we’d never known that it was a rollover accident just below Bradley State Park. By the time we arrived at the scene it had all been cleaned up. Then the traffic picked up and moved along at it’s normal 55-85 mph pace. Interesting how that works. The traffic was backed up at least 20 miles, with no respite, or alternate route once a driver had committed himmerherself. We all just toughed it out like good Oregonians do. Even when there was a passing lane, no one tried to pass because they knew it would incur the wrath of everyone else on the mostly two land highway. No one got mad and blew their horns, no one yelled … we just piddled along knowing it would eventually end. And it did.

The dogs were really happy to get home. They missed their yard and immediately glistened it with spots of urine as if to say, “I’m home!” I have no doubt those bits of lawn will respond greenly to the nitrogen-rich applications. They always do. It’s unfortunate that they can’t distribute it a little more evenly to bless the portions of lawn not blessed with a direct hit. There are lots, and lots of those.

Though Diane and I are also very happy to be home, we controlled ourselves and did not urinate in the yard. Instead, we emptied the RV of things that would spoil if we ignored it. We felt it was important to not ignore it which would result in a mess the next time we decided to load the refrigerator for a trip. It would be ugly.

Since we only had two fuzzy TV channels during our absence, we turned on all four of our TVs so we wouldn’t miss anything as we roamed from room to room, touching all the things that we missed the most over the past three.seventyfive days. Had we but known, we could have taken one of our many DirecTV receivers and connected it to the permanently mounted satellite antenna on Barnes’ modified single wide. That would have been sweet and Diane wouldn’t have missed a single event of anything on HGTV.

Did you know that most of the programs on HGTV are hosted by, produced by, and filmed by aliens? It’s true. They all Canadians and everyone knows that all aliens are from Canada. I know this because I went to High School with one of them and his ID card identified him as an Alien. It said it, right there on the US Government ID card, so it has to be true, right? Everyone else living in this country, who wasn’t born here, is called an immigrant, illegal or otherwise.

I feel that this’s a good point to stop, so I will.

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