Letters to Diane – 13

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Good Morning My Love,

It’s not bright, and not clear today as the storm clouds shuffle across the sky. The ones we see were dismantled throughout the night, scattering their innards all over the place. A testament to that is the increased level of the creek as it tries to cope with the amount of water strewn about.

The creek isn’t as busy as it’s been in the past, but it’s on the rise.

Yesterday I called Avon to report that Diane is no longer an active representative and that her account needs to be closed. When asked “why”, I told them that the last time she went shopping at Safeway, she was attacked by a Mary Kay representative, who was accompanied by a Revlon distributer, Together they subdued Diane right there in the parking lot. She was unable to survive the experience.

It was sad even though you know that’s a lie. I was able to terminate her account and was reassured that the emails to her account would cease. Yes, I still monitor her email. It makes me feel closer to her to do that. I still have her phone, too. Every once in a while I call someone she knows while wishing I could see their face when they checked the caller id and saw it was from Diane. I don’t do that often.

The house is really messed up, now. Stuff is scattered all over the place while Lydia and Jennifer empty closets to make room for Lydia’s stuff. Sounds a little odd, I’m sure, but we all know that Diane would be ok with what’s happening. It’s my understanding that it was her idea for Lydia to be my supervisor for the time being. So far it’s working out just fine.

It’s Friday, now, and I suspect this has been idle long enough. I think I started it on Monday. This time it was at Dan and Jen’s house.

But, first, I’ll share what I remember about Thanksgiving.

Last Sunday we had the family gathering that you started. It was good to get together, visit, and eat a traditional turkey day dinner. Jeff cooked the turkey and it was excellent! As you know, I’m not normally a turkey fan, but his was really good.

Yesterday was the ‘real’ Thanksgiving Day and Jennie took me to the Intel Aloha Campus where I participated in a great meal with the Walter’s Clan (they all work there). Well, Jennie doesn’t, but the rest of them do. That was quite a treat for me. First time ever in an Intel facility. If my phone hadn’t died on me I would have had photos to share. Maybe I’ll get to go another day with my phone charged.

Gonna quit, now, and go to Walmart Black Friday Sale here in St. Helens. I’m going to get you a set of reindeer for the front yard. When you see them for the first time just act surprised..

See you later. Love you.

Letters to Diane – 12

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Hello, My Love.

It’s Monday already. It got here so fast that I’ll have to burrow into my brain to discover what happened to Sunday.

Sunday was Thanksgiving with Dan and Jen. I really knew that. Didn’t have to look it up, or anything. I just remembered. In attendance were: Dan, Jen, Cedric, Jeran, Lydia, Austin, Jesse, Linda, Jasper, Siah, Me, Brandy, Carolyn, and Sanchez. I think that got everyone. If not, someone will correct me, maybe.

For the meal, Lydia mashed up some white sweet potatoes that I got her then she added an abundance of cayenne pepper to surprise everyone. They were actually very good and the crowd ate all but a couple bites. I made deviled eggs using the recipe I found in the notes on your phone.

Jeff cooked the turkey using Jennie’s roaster and it was great. I was handed a big fork and knife when we arrived and directed to whittle some pieces off the bones. I did, and it was a respectable job. There was a lot of ham, too, by Jennie.

Overall, it was a great meal and no one went away hungry.

In case you’re wondering who Austin and Jesse are, I’ll tell you. They are Jeran’s roomies in Keizer. We met Jesse before when Jeran graduated from Corban. He’s a minister now. Smiles all the time. Both are just nice guys and a nice addition to the family.

Jennie took Carolyn and me home before the festivities ended because I was experiencing my normal afternoon depression. I’m not sure it’s depression, just incredibly tired, usually cured with a nap.

Later, when Lydia and Jennie showed up, they got to work cleaning out the closet in Lydia’s room because she has “things” she needs to remove from Autumn’s house. As you may recall, the closet in that room was full of your colored-coded shirts, blouses, and coats. Lots and lots of them. They also took out the boxes and containers of shoes and other “things” that were on the floor. Now it’s piled up on the living room couches. We all agreed that you would not approve but, you know what? That’s what happens when you leave early. In the end, however, you will be pleased with the plan to remove it from the living room.

I was looking for a photo to share but getting something recent is difficult. So, here’s one from last month in front of Bethany.

Love you.

Letters to Diane – 11

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Good evening. It’s been a busy day

Today we celebrated Friendsgiving Day at Simm in Scappoose Prior to that I stopped at the bread store and got a couple loaves of bread and a snack to tide me over until I got my lunch. I also filled the truck with fuel so I could make it all the way back to St. Helens. I know, it’s only 8 miles away, but like you would say, “keep the top part of the tank full.” You’re in my head a lot, and I like that.

After the fillup, I went to Simm’s and parked to wait for the gang to show up. They also went to the bread store, then they went to Goodwill. They finally showed up at 1230. I was ready for them.

Today I thought I’d try something different and ordered Yakisoba Noodles with shrimp. No, wait, that’s what I always get, isn’t it? Yes I do. We didn’t have the egg flower soup or tea so we didn’t get that. Terry thought it should have been part of the meal but I stuck up for the waitress. I didn’t think to order them. You are the one who did that for us. Maybe next time I’ll remember to get the soup and tea. You could also keep an eye on me and jab me in the ribs or something to remind me. Ya, do that.

Everyone but me had a container to take home what they didn’t eat. I managed to finish mine, like normal.

We had a nice visit and Carolann brought gifts for everyone. They are cute little gnomes that you will love. She also got a couple of different ones for Jennie which I thought was pretty special.

The standup ones on the left are ours. The yellow one is yours.

We also made plans for the Christmas gathering. That will be the 30th, a Tuesday so I can take Lydia. We’re going to the Riverside Spaghetti Factory. That’s the day Lydia is flying to North Carolina with Jared to visit an old friend of his. They are starting their adventure, it seems. Lydia is in charge of getting their travel plans booked so she’s following your lead and I’m sure she wishes she could pick your brain a little so she can play the booking agent like you did for so many years. I suspect she will do just fine.

Cliff and Susie drove their RV to lunch so they could continue on to Fort Stevens for a few days which sound like fun. I’m a little torn between keeping the truck and trailer, or selling them because I think it’s risky for me to drive that far all be my own self, but I suppose I should try it once to see how it goes. I might decide that I’d be pretty good at being a nomad. I could just wander around the country until it’s time for me to join you.

I find it interesting that my stability seems to be better. I don’t feel wobbly at all and I’ve been walking around the block with Max without my cane. I know, you think it’s a risky choice, but so far, so good. I don’t know what’s different, but it’s not bad.

We’re still working up for the girls to go through your clothing so we can donate the rest. They do have a plan for that. I can do that part but I don’t want to be part of making decisions about what goes and what stays. I’m OK with keeping it all. I’m perfectly comfortable with half a closet.

I have to stay up late tonight because Lydia is going to the gym after work and won’t get home until 2200 or so. I know, I usually stay up that late, anyway, but not by my self. I might get scared or something.

Lydia is in Scappoose, on her way home, so I’m going to wrap this and make myself ready for bed. I love you and miss you.

Jerrie

PS: forgot to tell you it was foggy this morning so the weather is changing. I suspect we’ll get snow soon.

Letters to Diane – 10

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Hi, my Love,

Yesterday is a little blurry because I apparently didn’t do anything to make it worthy of a place in my memory. Perhaps something will pop up in my mind if I just type aimlessly. Let me get going with today’s activity.

Jennie had a meeting with her team from school this afternoon so I got to keep Siah for a while. We got along great because we watched a couple of really silly movies.

After a while, Autumn dropped Jasper off and things went fine. By the time Jennie got here they were both tired and hungry so it didn’t take long for them to get upset.

Jennie ordered McDonald’s for them to take care of the hungry part, but as time moved on the lack of naps got the best of them. Neither of them could sit still long enough to properly eat their dinner and neither of them wanted to listen to Mom. So, I injected myself into the fray. That didn’t please them, but they kinda listened to me. If you were watching us, I’m guessing you are proud of the way I kept my cool. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

I finally made it to Thursday coffee with the guys at the Kozy. Larry and Chuck were there and we had a good visit. Since I’ve missed so many, I bought the drinks. I also ate breakfast. You should be happy about that. I had one sausage patty, one egg, and one piece of toast. White, non-nutritional toast, of course. That was my second breakfast because I had a bowl of cheerios before leaving the house.

After I got home from the Kozy I took Max for an extra long walk. He appreciated it, I know.

Now it’s 2030, Lydia is safely home, and Jennie got the littles home to bed. All is well.

Love you.

Letters to Diane – 9

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Hi,

There’s a lot of stuff going on that’s getting my head in a spin. Some of it’s legal and some of it’s common sense. Mainly, I registered your Death Certificate with the tax people so we can remove your name from the house deeds. All I have to do, now, is figure out how to complete the deeds.

An interesting point is that Don’s Rental is where one must get blank deeds and you have to know which kind you need. They can’t provide any legal guidance because they have no legal authority to do so. So, for $11.95 you get a blank form that they cannot help you fill out. I’ll bet Jennie can help with that. Whoever helps, we’ll get it done so that when it’s my turn to follow you no one will have no problem with the courts for the transfer of the property to our children.

I did very little yesterday (Monday) because it was Bunco night. For the past umpteen years I’ve kept Special Mondays, like Bunco Night, clear so I can watch movies. Or watch a ball game. Or sleep.

I guess that’s a weak claim because I do that pretty much what I do every day. So, like you did once a month, Lydia went to Shirley’s house for bunco last night. I have no memory of what I watched last night. I just remember that I went to bed at a reasonable hour because I had an appointment with my dermatologist today at 0820. That early time meant I had to leave home about 0720.

I talked this need over with Lydia, who considers 3-4 hours of sleep a good night, to see if she would like to go with. Always up for a challenge, she agreed, and we decided we would take her car, and she would drive. That worked for me just right. I think she agreed to all of that because she loves me. I’m grateful for that.

Having that extra hour for travel allowed us to get to the office in plenty of time. After checking in, it was only a matter of minutes before I was led to a room where the surgery would take place. I made myself comfortable and took off all my clothes to await the doctor and her knife.

The look on everyone’s face made me regret my decision to disrobe because the surgery was on my cheek so disrobing was entirely unnecessary. So, I got dressed and sat in the chair to wait.

Halley was the doctor’s assistant and I was a little displeased that she didn’t point out that I could keep my clothes on. Thank goodness I wore underwear today. Then she stabbed me in the cheek with a tiny needle and rendered the desired spot on my check dead to the world.

Not long after that, the doctor showed up and wielded her knife in a professional manner to excise a nifty oval where a huge wart used to live. It was gone already because it was taken to run a biopsy prior to scheduling today’s surgery.

It’s a big hole, but she sewed it up.

In a couple of years you won’t even know this happened.

Now I’m going to stop this before things get out of hand. Good Night, my Love. See you in my dreams.

Jerrie

Letters to Diane – 8

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OK, today you got to me big time. Some PT Cruiser friends came to visit me. A small group consisting of Rick many dozens of businesses you’ve visited over the years. There are lots of them. I went through your email list and unsubscribed them one at a time until my fingers got tired. Then I decided to clean up the applications you no longer need. I didn’t get many done, and I fiddled with just resetting the phone to back to zero, or new out of the box for a new user.

As I looked at the list I quickly came across your Notes app and was reminded of the turmoil I caused that last time I messed with that one. Instead of moving on, I opened it to see what you had on your list.

There are 311 items on your list. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by your last entry on October 15th.

“Remember: You’ll be in my Heart”

I was stunned. You hid this little Gem knowing I would eventually get around to your phone to do exactly what I was doing. As I pondered your message it became clear to me that you were resigned to your fate, to exit this mortal coil long before you should have.

You never said a word about how much pain you were experiencing and I wasn’t able to comprehend what you were enduring. That you were thinking of me at this low point in your life is very meaningful to me and I thank you for that. That sounds like a very simplistic response to the profound message you left for me.

You will always be in my heart, to. You’ve been there since you were 14.

You knew I’d eventually get around to the phone, didn’t you?

Letters to Diane – 7

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Hi Hon. Been thinking about you non-stop and adding that a chance to look you in the eyes would be nice. Not likely, I know, but I can wish.

Each day I encounter more evidence about how brave you are. First was a short discussion with Jennifer about a talk you had with the doctor on, or about, October 21st when he asked if you wanted to consider the suicide departure if the liver biopsy wasn’t encouraging. It’s my understanding that you vetoed that option. That just wasn’t you at all. You’re a fighter even when the odds were so drastically against you. I can only thank you for enduring the pain because I’m not sure how I would have reacted if suicide had been your choice.

Then, today, Carolann called to check on me and we had nice visit. She reminded me that we have a date on the 21st at Simms in Scappoose. We’ll, of course, be talking about you in that venue. The last time we were there, as I recall, was with this same group. It’s been a while, but I think I’m right.

What I learned from Carolann was a conversation she had with you at some point before all the turmoil started with the hospital visits. She said you shared that you didn’t want to “linger” which, you thought, would cause more turmoil in the family. You wanted to fight your way through this, and you knew it early on.

Because of that I’m more in awe of your will to endure whatever cancer could throw at you. Although there was no hope for a recovery, you gave it all you had, and then some.

I’m gushing, I know. But I’m so proud of you, I can’t help myself. For those of us who remain, you gave us a life lesson in how to deal with tragedy head on with dignity.

Going forward, I’m going to bask in the knowledge that of all the choices you could have made, you chose me. I loved every second of it.

Letters to Diane – 6

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Today was another long one but it’s becoming normal. I’m OK with that. Normal is comforting.

Dan and Jen joined us for lunch while they cooked up the breakfasts that require an oven. Their new one doesn’t arrive until next Saturday. It’s coming to Shore because I failed to change the delivery address. Maybe I can convince them to deliver it to Matzen.

I took Max for his second walk this afternoon. While preparing to leave I had a short talk with Lydia about you, your Mom and your Dad. It was about the fact that all three of you died in this house within 20 steps of each other. Specifically, you and Mom were within 10 steps either side of where your Dad died.

I’ve been busy closing accounts for you and it’s a challenge. I suspect the best way to identify what needs to be fixed by checking your emails. Yes, I think I’ll do that.

I’ll start tomorrow.

Now I’m going to eat an apple.

Letters to Diane – 5

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Time has changed for me. Minutes have become hours, hours in turn become days and days take forever. even with everything going so slowly, I cannot accomplish anything. I just sit in my chair reliving my past with Max in my lap. He anchors me in place. As I sit I drift in out of sleep, semi-aware of the activities going on around me.

Today I did get the garbage cans retrieved from the street and refilled them immediately with garbage gathered just yesterday. That’s going to make it difficult to make it to next Monday without creating another pile of garbage. The only solution is for us to eat the garbage. That’s more than disgusting so it’s not an option. We will have to define a way to eat meals without making garbage during the process.

Enough about garbage.

When Max and I walk around the block we pass by a yard with interesting toadstools. They began as orange balls emerging from the grass then changed to these.

Now, Monday is done. The empty hole in my heart grows bigger. Perhaps the slow passing of time for me is necessary for me to process this loss.

Letters to Diane – 4

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It’s Sunday morning. The house is unusually quiet but it’s a welcome peacefulness The busy day we had yesterday was one of the hardest days of our lives, but we endured.

First, the simple act of waking up was tough knowing what the rest of the day held i store for us. You’re gone from us, but you are still very much alive within us. That was made evident by the people who showed up for your service yesterday. I don’t think anyone counted them. It wasn’t necessary. The church was full of people who love you and that was good.

There were very few people that I didn’t recognize but they filled in my memory gaps as they passed out of the church. Your Bunco Babes were there, as well as the PT Cruisers, and the Old Winnowbago Guys. I can’t categorize all the groups who were there right now, but the final view I had was a large group of folks who love you. The affiliation wasn’t as important as their presence.

After Pastor Ingrid got the service going our brave daughter made her way to the lectern and shared her memories of you. She was very brave and has assumed the matriarchal duties of our family with style. She really good at it. I know you already know this, but it still has to be said.

After Jennie, I found myself standing at the lectern, totally unprepared for the reason I was there. I had a couple pages of notes, but they just didn’t seem adequate enough for me to share my feelings about you. So, being true to myself, and you, I just winged it. Unless someone was recording my efforts those words are lost because I have no idea what I said. I rest comfortably, however, in the belief that let everyone know how important you are to me and pretty much everyone who’s heart you touched.

No matter where I go, I see and I feel the comfort of your touch beside me. As we walk, it’s so easy to feel our hands find each other and clasp together like we’ve done so many times before.

From the serious side of things, my mind wanders off to inappropriate areas where I asked Lydia if it’s too soon to start dating again. When I said that I was amazed about how wide she can open her eyes before realizing I was kidding, something I do a lot. It’s a defense mechanism and it changes the atmosphere very quickly.

As I continue to walk aimlessly through the remainder of my life I will be on alert for your touch.

I Love You.