The Dead Golfer’s Agreement

So, I went golfing a couple of days ago and didn’t do too badly. I even counted most of my strokes for a change, unlike Doug who counts absolutely everything he swings at. Still can’t beat him.

Around the fifth hole we discussed some of the final aspects of our Dead Golfer Agreement and at which point in the process we should notify the affected significant other. The preliminary suggestion, mine, was to do that just after calling 911 once we’re done with finished playing.

Here’s a DRAFT version of the DGA …

DRAFT

We, the undersigned, hereto and forever after, agree, tentatively, to perform the following steps, without fail, if we are able, in the event one of us checks out, permanently, during a round of golf in which all three of us participate, as long as the game is played at the St. Helens Golf Club.

Article One: Dying during one of the following events voids this agreement and requires that one of the surviving members call 911 immediately, or as soon as they are done going to the bathroom, to report the death. The other member will call the appropriate significant other to let them know.

  • While in the process of paying for the round and the cart
  • Driving the cart to the vehicle containing the clubs,
  • Transferring the clubs from the car to the cart
  • Driving to the first hole, Walking to the tee
  • While placing a ball on the tee
  • Taking practice swings
  • Addressing the ball
  • While in the backswing motion
  • While swinging down on the ball without making contact with the ball

Article TwoThe game must be in progress for the articles of this agreement to be binding. To be in progress one member must have teed off at the first hole. Specifically, this means that the member has begun his swing and hits the ball. Since it will be difficult to know if a member dies at the moment his club impacts the ball, or just before that, the game will be considered in progress because he hit the ball.

Article ThreeThe member who discovers that a member has apparently entered a deceased mode is required by this agreement to verify if there is a pulse and if there is any sort of respiratory effort being made by the affected member.

  • If there is a pulse but no noticeable respiratory effort the vertical members will play one round of Rock-Paper-Scissors to determine who will perform mouth to mouth on the horizontal member. The winner of the RPS round is safe and can retire to the cart to prepare the bungee cords and rope in case they become necessary. Just in case.
  • If there is no pulse but the horizontal member is obviously attempting to breathe, one of the vertical members must perform chest compressions in an attempt to restart the heart. Apparently pounding on the chest is a valid form of CPR and may ‘scare’ the heart back into action. They do that in comic books.
  • If any CPR action works, the members will allow the golfers behind them to play through until the striken member is well enough to continue the game.
  • If the striken member cannot continue the round he will be declared the loser, and will be returned to his vehicle where he must wait until the other two complete the round.
  • Once the round is complete, one of the un-striken members should probably call a doctor, or call 911, just in case.

Article FourIf CPR actions fail, the horizontal member will be declared deceased. The time will be noted and written on the scorecard next to their name in this manner: TOD mm/dd/yyyy-hh:mm-am/pm.

Article FiveAfter recording TOD, surviving members will extract the bungee cords and ropes, which they are all required to carry, from their golf bags, and they will drag the horizontal member to his assigned cart and place him in the passenger seat. Bungee cords and rope will be used to the extent necessary secure the deceased member in an upright position and to limit the possibility of him falling out of the cart during the remainder of the round.

Article SixWhen the round is complete, and all golfers are safely back at their vehicles, one of the survivors will call 911 and the other one will call the correct significant other. Waiting for the authorities to arrive would be a good time to alert other golfers in the area about this event so they can express their condolences and to receive a commemorative golf ball from the deceased member’s bag.

This agreement will, of course, need revision but I think you get the drift.

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