In a freak, one in a zillion accident, a St. Helens man stabbed himself in the face with one of the fork prongs he was using to devour a succulent ear of corn. Details are lacking due to there only being one witness who is unwilling to share them although she was sitting next to him at the time. In her defense, she was sitting to his right and the wound was inflicted on his left cheek. Even so, it’s evident she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Speaking as an uninvolved participant, I will relay what few details the victim knows. However, please understand that these details are pure fiction, like normal. That, and it happened so fast the victim isn’t really what happened. So, I’ll just make something up.

While eating a wonderful meal of halibut [a gift from a neighbor for Jerrie mowing his lawn], baked potatoes, and corn on the cob. Everything was going along just great, removing corn kernels row after row, until the incredibly sharp corn tong on the left side came loose. Due to the need for the corn prong operator to maintain pressure on both prongs, he was temporarily disoriented by something on the TV which caused him to briefly pull prongs in opposite directions, thereby removing the left prong.

Immediately recognizing the error, the victim pushed the prong back toward the corn cob. Sadly, the corn cob had swiveled out of square with the victim’s mouth. He lunged forward to grab it with his teeth thereby placing his left cheek directly in the path of the offending prong, severing a major artery through his cheek, causing massive bleeding.

With the exception of the last two items, the foregoing is the absolute truth.

Honest.

Here’s proof …

OK. So it’s little and not really a big deal. It was so insignificant that Diane didn’t even offer to put a bandaid on it. But it still hurt, and it was a really weird thing to happen. It fits right in with the direction my life goes on a daily basis and proving that I can hurt myself with virtually anything.

Even corn prongs.